JOKE - JOKE - JOKE.... Read all about it!!!

[wild105fm]

1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence.

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an
institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
Degree and the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and
suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year
of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found
himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?" Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

10. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his
wife until he marries her?" Father: "That happens everywhere, son,
EVERYWHERE!"

11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of
one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.

15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in
woman's sink.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in
Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

19. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the
marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only
seems longer.

23. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone." "What
happened?," asked his friend. He says: "My wife found out."

24. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "OK, but if
you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on."

25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing
your ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married
the wrong man.

26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished. 27. It
doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up
with the same boss.

28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he
received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

[Anakin Skywalker]

You may have read some versions of this so you don't have to laugh if you can't. Read on.....


NOAH'S ARK
If Noah lived in the United States today..............

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" Cried Noah:
"I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

[gr8-one]

SMALL WORLD - A Collection Of Irish Jokes

Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."

The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.

He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A young man with a promising career ahead of him decide to mary a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(This is a classic Irish joke. Good piece)

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The Englishman says, "I tell you my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought ?300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in."

The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker.
"Just last week, she went out and spent ?17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks that his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a *****!"

[Myrna]

Little Johnnie

The third grade teacher tells her students that she will show pictures of animals, and they are to tell her what they are. She holds a picture of a cow, and ask...does anybody know what this is? Jenny raises her hand, and said...I know what it is... it's a cow...Then she holds up a picture of a horse, and little Bobby raises his hands and said, that's a horse! She said..very good Bobby!..then she holds up a picture of a Deer...does anybody know what this is?...nobody raised their hands...she said...I will give you a hint...your mother calls your father this a lot during the day...little Johnnie waves his hand, wildly in the air, and yells I know!...I know!..the teacher looks at Johnnie, and said.. what is it Johnnie?..and he said... that's a HORNY BASTARD!

[juVans]

A text sent by the person who stole my heart. Here it is:

------------------------------------------------------------

One day, a devil approach Satan...

devil: Why SEX is not permitted here in HELL?


Satan : Because if you do, you will reach HEAVEN.



hahahahahahahaha*

-------------------------------------------------------------

[linda]

hey guys do u know that there are 23 parts of your body that is useless?.....................they are.............20 nails that can't hammer............2 balls that can't throw and one c**k that can't crow :lol: :lol: :lol:

[MHTS]

hey guys do u know that there are 23 parts of your body that is useless?.....................they are.............20 nails that can't hammer............2 balls that can't throw and one c**k that can't crow :lol: :lol: :lol:

nice linda, but make that 22 only, the last may not crow, but sure can fight and endure like a fighting rooster!

[juVans]

Patangan ti agina a buryas kenni nanang na a baboy.


Buryas : Inang, oink, sino kad ti tatangmi?

Ken kuna ni Inang na a baboy : Oink, diak ammo, nakalikudak idi napasamak, oink.



:lol:

[juVans]

Ni Ilokano idi napan naglako ti tokak diay Manila.


Mama : Magkano ho yung palaka niyo?

Ilokano : Ana ta kunam, ipalpalakak ta lakok a tukak? Nagngina ti puunak kadayta dur**!

Maysa a babai ti napan nangsirpat kadaytay lako a tokak.

Ale : Hello, ba't po ang papayat ng mga tinda niyo?

Ilokano : Padasem a payat-payatan ta lakok ta kitaem ikunso-kunso ka.

Ngimngernger ni Ilokanon. Talaga a gubaten ti mapasamak...idi kuan...

Pulis : Hoy, anong nangyayari dito? Bakit kayo nag-aaway?

Ilokano : Sir, naimbag pay ta am-ammonak a taga-awayak.

Pulis : Bakit? Saan ka ba nakatira? Ba't ganyan ang suot mo? Magsasaka ka ba?

Ilokano : Sir, no maminsan, agsaka-saka-ak, no dadduma naka-tsinelasak.

NGEK!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[Myrna]

AT THE POST OFFICE


Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with moody public. So when an irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice...What's the trouble?...I went out this morning, she began, and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing! After apologizing, I got her parcel. "oh good" she gushed. "we've been waiting this for ages"" What is it" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

[Myrna]

How to get a date

1. Give her a cheezy line
2.Buy her a drink
3.If all fails........BEG!!!!!!

[Leona]

In a hotel elevator, a man accidentally elbows lady's breast.
Man: If your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me.
Lady: If your bird is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 69!

[celo_e]

Sa isang paligsahan ng palakihan ng boobs.

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Japan!

Kasing laki ng pinggan ang dibdib.
Palakpakan ang mga tao.

HOST: Here's Miss USA!

Kasing laki ng unan.
Lalong lumakas ang palakpakan.

HOST: Please welcome, Miss India!

Kasing laki ng palanggana ang dibdib.
Sigawan ang mga tao.

HOST: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
last but not the least, Miss Philippines!

Kasing laki ng siopao.
"Boooo! Boooo! Boooo!"
sabi ng mga tao, "Talo na yan!"

HOST: Teka!!!! Nipples pa lang yan!!!!!!

[celo_e]

Sino ang naka-discover ng Jai Alai?

Ang mga Hapon at Intsik.
Ibinato noon ng Hapon ang bola
sabay sigaw ng "Jai!" at natamaan
ang mga Intsik sa ulo at sumigaw
ng "Alai!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakit ang mga bakla
sa Pilipinas hindi naman
ikinakasal pero nagpapa-a-nal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakit ang mga bakla
hindi naman nanganganak
pero dumadami?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pilot to Tower: wala na kaming
fuel, 400 miles kami from shore.
Give your instructions, over!

Tower: Repeat after me,
Our Father, who art in heaven.......

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman only needs
4 animals in her life.

A mink on her back,
a jaguar in her garage,
a tiger in her bed and a
jackass to pay all of these...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nagkita ang isang Americano at Hapon.

Americano: We have elections
every four years.

Hapon: Evely molning i have one...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call
a pregnant flight
attendant?

A: Pilot error

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ano ang sinasabi ng saging sa vibrator?
"Bakit ka ba nanginginig dyan? Ako
naman ang kakainin ni Misis."

[juVans]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bakit ang mga bakla
sa Pilipinas hindi naman
ikinakasal pero nagpapa-a-nal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Now I know why... 8) :lol:

[juVans]

Sa isang paligsahan ng palakihan ng boobs.

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Japan!

Kasing laki ng pinggan ang dibdib.
Palakpakan ang mga tao.

HOST: Here's Miss USA!

Kasing laki ng unan.
Lalong lumakas ang palakpakan.

HOST: Please welcome, Miss India!

Kasing laki ng palanggana ang dibdib.
Sigawan ang mga tao.

HOST: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
last but not the least, Miss Philippines!

Kasing laki ng siopao.
"Boooo! Boooo! Boooo!"
sabi ng mga tao, "Talo na yan!"

HOST: Teka!!!! Nipples pa lang yan!!!!!!


Adda Iluko version na dayta, apay a saan a isu ti impostem brah?

[juVans]

In a hotel elevator, a man accidentally elbows lady's breast.
Man: If your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me.
Lady: If your bird is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 69!



What is the name and location of the bldg.?

:idea:

[Leona]

In a hotel elevator, a man accidentally elbows lady's breast.
Man: If your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me.
Lady: If your bird is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 69!



What is the name and location of the bldg.?

:idea:

Man, you are really funny!! :lol: :lol:

[zachzech]

Three men, Singaporean, Japanese and Filipino were
> sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a
> beeping sound.The Singaporean pressed his
> forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at
> him
> questioningly. "That was my pager" he said,"I
> have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."
>
> A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese
> fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he
> finished he expained,"That was my mobile phone.
> I have a micro chip in my hand."
>
> The Filipino felt decidedly low tech, but not to
> be outdone he decided he had to do something
> just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
> and
> went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of
> toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others
> raised
> their eyebrows and stared at him.
>
> The Filipino finally said......."ay dios mio,
> will you look at that?! I'm getting a fax..."

[MHTS]

:hb: :hb:
Talaga nga high-tech, ti ink color diay fax na ket brown ken colored..

[SuperGlow]

Sa isang paligsahan ng palakihan ng boobs.

HOST: Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Japan!

Kasing laki ng pinggan ang dibdib.
Palakpakan ang mga tao.

HOST: Here's Miss USA!

Kasing laki ng unan.
Lalong lumakas ang palakpakan.

HOST: Please welcome, Miss India!

Kasing laki ng palanggana ang dibdib.
Sigawan ang mga tao.

HOST: And now, ladies and gentlemen,
last but not the least, Miss Philippines!

Kasing laki ng siopao.
"Boooo! Boooo! Boooo!"
sabi ng mga tao, "Talo na yan!"

HOST: Teka!!!! Nipples pa lang yan!!!!!!


Adda Iluko version na dayta, apay a saan a isu ti impostem brah?



Very funny...but maybe it will be funnier if its written in ilokano...hihihihihi

[celo_e]

Entoy and his wife were finally able to have their dream of coming to the States come true. He had landed in Seattle, but since his relatives were in Florida, he decided to spend some time vacationing in Miami Beach, where his wife would join him a day later. She stayed one more day in the Philippines because she had to say goodbye to her family in the province.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and Entoy was told that he had to take a later flight. He tried to appeal to the airline personnel but was told that the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would be useless to complain.

Upon arriving at the hotel after the delayed flight, he discovered that Miami was suffering from El nino, and while it was cold in Seattle, it was so hot in Miami. His wife texted him that she was coming as planned. Entoy wanted to jump into the swimming pool, but he decided to email his wife first. However, since he was rushing, he made a mistake in the email address and it got sent instead to the secret girlfriend of a priest who died when his church caught fire the day before. The girlfriend screamed and fainted when she read the mail:


My Love:

Departed yesterday as you know. Just got checked in. There was
some confusion at the gate. My appeal was denied. Received
confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Sweetheart.

PS
Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at
how hot it is down here!



[/u][/i][/quote]

[Kilroy]

^ Classic! :lol:

[celo_e]

A Japanese tourist went to the Philippines for some sightseeing.
He hailed a taxi and asked the driver to take him to the hotel. Along
the way he saw a Honda City pass by. "Honda very fast!" he yelled,
"made in Japan!"

A little while later he saw a Mitsubishi Adventure speed by. "Ah,
Mitsubishi!" he yelled, "also made in Japan!".

Then an Isuzu Fuego swiftly drove by. "Isuzu! Isuzu!" he kept on
repeating, "made in Japan, too!".

A Toyota corolla overtook them, too. "Look, Toyota!" he now raised
his voice, "made in Japan!"

The driver was really irritated but he kept quiet. Finally, when the
taxi arrived at the hotel, and the Japanese saw that the fare was
P500. "Why so expensive?" the Japanese complained.
"Meter very fast because its made in Japan, too!".

[celo_e]

Bumisita ang isang foreigner sa Pilipinas
at nag arkila sya ng taxi para ipasyal sa
Metro Manila. Dinala sya ng driver sa
Makati at tinuro ng driver ang iba-ibang
matataas na building doon.

Driver: Sir, that is one of our tallest
buildings here. It took only eight months
to build it.

Foreigner: Hah! You call that fast? In my
country, that takes only one month to
finish!

Driver: Sir, how about that shopping mall,
that was finished in only six months?

Foreigner: My boy, in my country, the
latest shopping mall only took one week
to finish!

Driver (naiinis na): Sir, that monument
there took only a week to do!

Foreigner: We have a monument back
home that took less than a week
to finish.


Hindi malaman ng Pinoy kung ano pa ang
puwede niyang ipakita nang biglang tinuro
ng foreigner ang pinakamataas na building
sa buong Pilipinas.

Foreigner: Hey Sonny boy, thats a very
nice skyscraper you have out there.
What's the name of that tower?

Driver: I don't know, Sir. I didn't see that
building there yesterday!

[celo_e]

Holy Week Litany of Prayers




Santa Maria........ipanalangin niyo po kami
San Isidro..........bigyan niyo kami ng ulan
Santa Lucia........palinawin ninyo ang aking mga mata
San Roque.........nakagat po ako ng aso
San Antonio.......nawawala ang cellphone ko
Santa Clara.......tama na po, marami na akong anak!
Santo Tomas.....ipasa ninyo ako
San Pedro.........nasa Laguna po ba kami?
San Lazaro........tumataya po ako
Santa Ana.........tumataya din po ako
San Juan..........ayyy, si JV, o!
San Miguel........sarap maging barkada!
Sta. Mesa..........para na po sa kanto!

[MHTS]

Thanks for the smile...

[celo_e]

A guy from the province was so deeply in love with a city girl but he
did not have the courage to talk to her in person due to his broken
English. So he bought a dictionary and used it to write a letter of
proposal:


My most worthy of your estimation
after long consideration
i have strong indication
to become your relation.
About my educational qualification
i passed my matriculation examination.
What do you say to solemnization
of our marriage celebration
with a view to expansion
of world population?


If you approbation my application
i make preparation to improve situation


Thinking of you with all devotion!


She wrote back:


Dear Mr. Victim of fascination
You must pass the following condition
1. Consultation of my parents before connection
2. Procreation must not be your recreation
3. Confirmation that you are not a victim of any infatuation.


I remain,


Unaffected by your affection.

[celo_e]

Q: What is the speed limit
for sex?

A: 68 kph
Kasi pag 69 na, babaliktad ka


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chinese: I have 4 wives, 1 more and i have a basketball team.

American: I have 9 wives, 1 more and i have a football team.

Pinoy: I have 17 wives, 1 more and i have a golf course- 18 holes.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


age 13-18: its like shandy;
19-25: champagne;
26-35: brandy;
36-45: whisky;
46-50: ginebra;
51-55: rubbing alcohol; and
56 & above: formalin!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


BOY: Hubad tayo.
GIRL: Ayoko nga
BOY: Sige na!
GIRL: Sige na nga.
BOY: You muna.
GIRL: No! You muna.
BOY: Sabay tayo
GIRL: Sige sabay tayo.
BOY: OK - a-one, a-two, a-three-HUUUBBAADDD!
After a while...
BOY: What's that?!?!?!
GIRL: Just like yours, papa.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two wives are buying gulay in the local market.

WIFE1: Mare, whenever i see a potato
naaalala ko ang itlog ng Mr. ko.

WIFE2: Bakit? Ganyan kalaki?

WIFE1: Hindi! Ganyan KADUMI.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Ano ang mabilis pumuti,
buhok sa itaas o buhok sa ibaba?

A: Buhok sa itaas-
kase ang buhok sa itaas puro problema,
ang buhok sa ibaba puro ligaya.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Genie: I will grant you one wish, what will it be?

Man: Gusto ko pong mapunta sa pagitan ng hita
ni joyce jimenez

Genie: That's easy. Are you sure?

Man: Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

Genie: By my power, you are now a NAPKIN


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Lolo and lola having breakfast in bed after sex.

LOLA: Alam mo hanggang ngayun nag-iinit
pa rin ang dibdib ko sa iyo.

LOLO: Paanong hindi iinit yan eh
nakasawsaw ang dede mo sa kape.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Woman's Prayer


at 20- Lord, I want the best man.
at 25- Lord, I want a good man.
at 30- Lord, I want any man.
at 40- Lord, please naman !!!!!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


BADING: Pabili nga ng 1 whole German sausage.

TINDERA: Chop-chopin ko na?

BADING: Waggg!!! Ano akala mo sa pwet ko alkansya??!!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


CONVICT: Father forgive me for i have sinned.

PRIEST: Sabihin mo lahat ang mga kasalanan mo anak.

CONVICT: Father, pinatay ko lahat ang mga naniniwala sa Diyos.
Kayo ba naniniwala sa kanya?

PRIEST: Sino yon?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Love is an intention
that goes with affection,
with the intent of injection,
done in the midsection,
in a preferred position,
during a private session.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


at 40, he becomes bi-sexual=== HE BUYS SEX

at 50, he loves oral sex=== PURO KWENTO NA LANG

at 60, he loves anal sex=== INA-ANALYZE NA LANG NIYA


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Man: Pabili ng 5 viagra

Saleslady: Ang dami naman sir!

Man: Yes! I have a hot date tonight!

The next day....

Man: Miss, 2 bote ng betadine nga.

Saleslady: Sir, anong nangyari sa kamay nyo?

Man: Hmmmm!!! Di dumating ang ka date ko.

[SuperGlow]

FUNNY.. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[MHTS]

BOY: Hubad tayo.
GIRL: Ayoko nga
BOY: Sige na!
GIRL: Sige na nga.
BOY: You muna.
GIRL: No! You muna.
BOY: Sabay tayo
GIRL: Sige sabay tayo.
BOY: OK - a-one, a-two, a-three-HUUUBBAADDD!
After a while...
BOY: What's that?!?!?!
GIRL: Just like yours, papa.



I like this... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[zachzech]

A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a
daughter."
Respondent:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Pinoy: LET ME TRY!
------------------------------------

Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Philippines: STOP AT 4 A.M.!
-----------------------------------

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!
-------------------------------------

Husband: Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!
Wife: Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!
Husband: Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!
Wife: Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!

[celo_e]

A Filipino pastor from the barrio decided to skip services one
Sunday and head to the bundok to do some bear hunting. As he
Rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and the bear
collided sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other,
landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news.

The bad news was the ferocious bear was charging at him from a
distance and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the Filipino preacher prayed, "im so sorry for
skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive
me and grant me just one last prayer request: Please make a
Christian out of the bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"


At that very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees,
clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the
preacher's feet:

"Dear God, bless this food I am about to received...."

[celo_e]

Q: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng dalaga?
A: I wish, I wish, I wish


Q: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng misis?
A: always, always, always

Q: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng biyuda?
A: I miss, I miss, I miss

Q: Ano ang tunog ng ihi ng matandang dalaga?
A: bwisit, bwisit, bwisit


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


AMO: Inday, sagutin mo
ang telepono baka
kabit yan ng Sir mo!!!

INDAY: Si ma'am talaga o......
pinagseselos pa ako!!!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


DERMA: Miss, may good news ako sa 'yo.
Hindi na kayo tutubuan ng tigyawat.

MS: Talaga po doc?

DERMA: OO, dahil wala ng space


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


At 9pm the husband said: "Honey, pwede?"

Wife replied: "NO!"

At 10pm, he said: "Honey, pwede na?"

She said, "No please!"

At 12am he said: "Honey pagud na ko, bubunutin ko na!"


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


POOH Family HISTORY:

Papa: POOHLIS
Mama: POOHTA
Kuya: POOHSAKAL
Ate: POOHKPOK
Pet: POOHSA
Game: POOHSOY
Thats all POOHKS. POOHTRAGIS sa pamilya!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


WHAT TRAFFIC RULES BEST DESCRIBE A WOMAN'S ORGAN?

1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


Egyptian: The Egyptian Camel can carry 5 persons at a time!

Indian: That is nothing! The Indian Elephant can carry 10
people at a time!

Pinoy: Wala yan! The Philippine Rabbit can carry 75 people
Minimum! Umaabot pa sa 100, kaskasero pa sa hi-way!

[/quote]

[juVans]

WHAT TRAFFIC RULES BEST DESCRIBE A WOMAN'S ORGAN?

1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN






Beat the RED light! Just go in!

[SuperGlow]

WHAT TRAFFIC RULES BEST DESCRIBE A WOMAN'S ORGAN?

1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN






Beat the RED light! Just go in!


YUCK hindi ba????? apu na yen hihihihihihihihi :lol: :lol:

[celo_e]

Matagal ng naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang
Pinoy. Nakakita sya ng poblisidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng
Classified ads. "Wanted- Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy
sa sarili. OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na kung pininta; yung
libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung
kukungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko- pwede palagay ko ako rito!

In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to
have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all
the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two
final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"

Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I
can kaskas... I mean, remob paint en apply paint beri well."

"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll
need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."

Tatlong oras pa lang, narinig na nung Kano na kumakatok yung
Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis olredy".

"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. " you finished the job in three hours. Are
you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"

"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." Sagot nung Pinoy.

"Then, you deserve a bunos! Here's another 20 bucks."
Sabi nung Kano.

"Sir, tenkyu sir.." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb
a porch.... your car is a BMW...."

[mrnoel]

WHAT TRAFFIC RULES BEST DESCRIBE A WOMAN'S ORGAN?

1. deep excavation
2. slippery when wet
3. men working
4. stop on RED signal, proceed when GREEN






Beat the RED light! Just go in!


napadasam nga mang beat ti red signalen tol? :lol:

[zachzech]

Pregnancy Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife
is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[Myrna]

HIhihihi...ading zachzech ...okey dayta ah! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[gr8-one]

Click to read about....
Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr. Sori (http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes&func=JokeView&jokeid=13)
Have fun reading :lol:

[zachzech]

hheheheh that is a funy one gr8 WAN!

[SuperGlow]

Click to read about....
Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr. Sori (http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes&func=JokeView&jokeid=13)
Have fun reading :lol:



Hahahahah Very Funny...really funny hihihihihi :lol:

[linda]

Click to read about....
Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr. Sori (http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes&func=JokeView&jokeid=13)
Have fun reading :lol:

i love this joke..really funny......

[MHTS]

Nasakit toy pisngi kon ti kaka isem... I like it... very funny...

[BB-M]

Top 10 Reasons Why there couldn't be a Fil-Am US president

10. White House is not big enough for the in-laws and extended relatives.
9. Not enough parking spaces at White House for 2 Honda Civics, 2
Tacomas, Toyota Celica, 1985 Mercedes Benz Diesel, BMW (big mean wife) and MPV (My Pinoy Van).
8. Dignitaries generally are intimidated by eating with fingers at State dinners.
7. Too many dining rooms in the White House.....where to hang the Last Supper?
6. White House ceilings not high enough to hold the giant wooden spoon and fork.
5. Secret Service Staff won't respond to "psssst, psssst".
4. Secret Service Staff uncomfortable driving presidential car with
Rosary hanging on the rear view mirror or the statue of Santo Nino on
the dashboard.
3. No budget allocation to purchase karaoke machines for every White House room.
2. State Dinners do not allow "Take Home".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON :
1. AIR FORCE ONE does not allow overweight balikbayan boxes!

[SuperGlow]

^

HA HA HA VERY FUNNY I was laughing by myself again...ha ha ha ha :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[daguerrson]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[wenggay]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[touchstone]

Click to read about....
Mr. Lee Sum Wan and Mr. Sori (http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes&func=JokeView&jokeid=13)
Have fun reading :lol:

mmmmm what can i say...very comic and humurous
:D :) :lol: :) :D :lol:

[BB-M]

Some Sex Poems found in my INBOX.
There are others but too HARDCORE to post in an online community like INOL :lol:

POEM # 1
The guy says i love you
you believe its true
9 months later,
he says the hell with you
the baby is a bastard
the mother is a whore
all this wouldn't have happened
if the rubber wouldn't have torn


POEM # 2
Sex is when a guy's comunication
enters a girl's information
to increase the population
for a younger generation
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstaration?

[touchstone]

Dear Friend,

Can stress be funny? You've got to be kidding. This morning, I noticed that one of my cats had made a "mess" on the kitchen floor, one centimeter from her litter box. I wanted to punish little Bellini, but cats don't understand evil stares and harsh words. So I bent over the parquet wooden floor in my 105-year-old house with a homemade brew of chlorine bleach, furniture polish and window cleaner. Zip, zap, clean. But funny? Well, maybe so. And when my subway train skipped my stop, I groaned, then tried to pull out a smile. And when my cell phone sounded off during a large group meeting, and I had to reach into my bra to turn it off -- yes, that's where I keep it! -- I decided today is just going to be one of those days. Are you laughing yet?

Yours in good humor!
Emily Sachar
Group Site Director, Digital Business Group

[BB-M]

CP in her bra?
I don't mind turning it off for her :)

[celo_e]

Teenage Girl: Kiss me
but marry me

Wife: No money, no honey

Mistress: With house,
open blouse

Secretary: Forget your wife,
always remember me!

Kumare: Ala ang pare mo,
pwede na tyo

GRO: No pay, no lay

Pok-pok: Money down,
panty down

Salesgirl: Buy me this dress,
ill give you happiness

Madre: Gusto ko sana,
may pari bang kakasa

Byuda: Katagal ng wala,
ikaw ay pinagpala

Matandang dalaga:
Noon pa sana,
ngayon,
paano na?!!!

[MHTS]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Matandang dalaga:
Noon pa sana,
ngayon,
paano na?!!!

May pag-asa pa!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[linda]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Matandang dalaga:
Noon pa sana,
ngayon,
paano na?!!!

May pag-asa pa!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

i agree Apo lakay kasi siak ket nabaketan nga balasang sakbay nga nagasawa hihihihi :D :D :D :D

[celo_e]

INANG:
Nagdakkel gayam
a lalaki dayta
naasawam!
Kayam? Dika
ngata marigatan??!!!!

ANAK:
Ania ket ni
inangen!
Kaano kayo pay
nga nakadamag
ti *** nga
naltotan??!!!!


******************************


ANAK:
Nay, pahingi
ng piso.

INA:
Aanhin mo
ang piso?

ANAK:
Bili ako ng
gamot, pampalaki
ng ari ko.

INA:
Oh, ito, dos
pesos, ibili mo
din ang tatay mo...


******************************


ANAK:
Tay, nag tumbling
ako sa skul
namin kanina!

TATAY: Di ba sabi
ko syo na wag kang
mag tatambling
at makikita panty mo?

ANAK:
hindi po nila
nakita! kasi
tinago ko sa
bag ko!!!


******************************


Nakasakay ka sa jeep
ng ika'y MAUTOT.
Buti na lang, malakas
togtog. Bawat pag UTOT
sabay sa togtog ng ika'y
bumaba, sama tingin nila.
Bigla mo naalala naka
WALKMAN ka pala!!!

[linda]

INANG:
Nagdakkel gayam
a lalaki dayta
naasawam!
Kayam? Dika
ngata marigatan??!!!!

ANAK:
Ania ket ni
inangen!
Kaano kayo pay
nga nakadamag
ti - - - nga
naltotan??!!!!


******************************


ANAK:
Nay, pahingi
ng piso.

INA:
Aanhin mo
ang piso?

ANAK:
Bili ako ng
gamot, pampalaki
ng ari ko.

INA:
Oh, ito, dos
pesos, ibili mo
din ang tatay mo...


******************************


ANAK:
Tay, nag tumbling
ako sa skul
namin kanina!

TATAY: Di ba sabi
ko syo na wag kang
mag tatambling
at makikita panty mo?

ANAK:
hindi po nila
nakita! kasi
tinago ko sa
bag ko!!!


******************************


Nakasakay ka sa jeep
ng ika'y MAUTOT.
Buti na lang, malakas
togtog. Bawat pag UTOT
sabay sa togtog ng ika'y
bumaba, sama tingin nila.
Bigla mo naalala naka
WALKMAN ka pala!!!

really funny.....permi ti katawak kadaytoy immuna nga joke....

[daguerrson]

FUNNY FUNNY FUNNY

[celo_e]

LITTLE GIRL:
"Mommy i just found
out that the little
boy next door
has a *****
like a peanut"


MOMMY:
"You mean
its small?"


LITTLE GIRL:
"No, its
salty!!!"


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


WIFE:
ayoko na syo!
lalayasan na
kita!

HUSBAND:
sige, pag
iniwan mo ko
maglalaslas ako

WIFE:
ULOL!!!!
magpatuli nga
takot ka!
maglaslas pa kaya!!!!
SUPOT!!!!!!!!!

[MHTS]

Thanks for the break :lol: :lol: :lol:

[linda]

LITTLE GIRL:
"Mommy i just found
out that the little
boy next door
has a *****
like a peanut"


MOMMY:
"You mean
its small?"


LITTLE GIRL:
"No, its
salty!!!"


&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


WIFE:
ayoko na syo!
lalayasan na
kita!

HUSBAND:
sige, pag
iniwan mo ko
maglalaslas ako

WIFE:
ULOL!!!!
magpatuli nga
takot ka!
maglaslas pa kaya!!!!
SUPOT!!!!!!!!!


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: funny..funny

[celo_e]

3 China men
migrated to the
U. S. in search
of greener pastures.

Their names were
BU, CHU and FU.

At the point
of entry, they
were required
by immigration
to change their
names to more
typical American
ones.

BU
became
BUCK

CHU
became
CHUCK

and

FU-
went back
to China

[celo_e]

batang mayabang:
ang tatay ko, pag nag sigarilyo,
napapalabas nya sa ilong ang usok!

batang mas mayabang:
luma sya sa tatay ko. ang tatay
ko, pag nagsigarilyo, labas sa
tainga ang usok!

batang pinakamayabang:
luma silang lahat sa tatay ko.
ang tatay ko, pag nagsigarilyo,
labas sa pwet ang usok!

batang mayabang at
batang mas mayabang:
naka! yabang mo naman!
paano mo naman nalaman?!!

batang pinakamayabang:
kaninang umaga, bago labhan
ng nanay ko yung jockey nya,
nakita ko may nicotine pa nga eh!!!

[celo_e]

MAN:
kung di ako makaligtas
sa operasyong ito, ikaw
na lang ang bahala sa mga
bata!..........

WIFE:
tumigil ka nga dyan!
kung kelan tatlo na ang
anak natin saka ka
MAGPATULI!!!!


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


may ka dinner date ako.
may kulangot near her lip.
sinabihan ko na lang na may
kanin near your lip.
dinilaan niya at sabi,
"kaw talaga, di naman kanin eh,
ULAM...


@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@


ever wondered why women
wear black panties?

its a way
of saying:

IN MEMORY OF THOSE
WHO WHERE BURIED HERE!!!!

[linda]

thanks for these funny jokes celo_e..they makes me laugh

[celo_e]

a filipino doctor has
introduced the use of
a device that enlarges
a man's sex organ
by up to 5 times
with no side effects.
it is called a
"magnifying glass"


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


mrs:
bilis! nahulog cellphone
ko sa loob ng panty ko,
"nagbavibrate!!"

mr:
e, anong gagawin ko?
dudukutin ko ba sa loob
ng panty mo?

mrs:
gago! kunin mo yung
charger, baka
ma-low batt!!!


^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


girl:
ang puti naman
ng bird mo....

boy:
aba! syempre ah!
likas papaya ata
gamit ko dyan!

girl:
ginagamitan mo
din ba ng downy?

boy:
baket?
bango ba?!!!

girl:
lambot eh!!!

[linda]

pinagkatawa nak manen celo_e..good jokes hihihi :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[celo_e]

3 mayayabang
na daga

daga1:
kakain ako
ng keso sa
mouse trap!

daga2:
kakain ako
ng kesong
may rat killer

daga3:
manood kayo,
mangrereyp
ako ng PUSA!!!!


##############################


a guy
donated BLOOD
to his GF

wen dey brok
up, he
wanted his
blood bak.

d girl threw
a BLOODY
NAPKIN

at him
& said:

" i'll pay you on
MONTHLY BASIS!!!"

[touchstone]

3 mayayabang
na daga

daga1:
kakain ako
ng keso sa
mouse trap!

daga2:
kakain ako
ng kesong
may rat killer

daga3:
manood kayo,
mangrereyp
ako ng PUSA!!!!


##############################


a guy
donated BLOOD
to his GF

wen dey brok
up, he
wanted his
blood bak.

d girl threw
a BLOODY
NAPKIN

at him
& said:

" i'll pay you on
MONTHLY BASIS!!!"

you are witty cel_o! funny.... :wink: :wink: :lol: keep going..keep going... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[linda]

3 mayayabang
na daga

daga1:
kakain ako
ng keso sa
mouse trap!

daga2:
kakain ako
ng kesong
may rat killer

daga3:
manood kayo,
mangrereyp
ako ng PUSA!!!!


##############################


a guy
donated BLOOD
to his GF

wen dey brok
up, he
wanted his
blood bak.

d girl threw
a BLOODY
NAPKIN

at him
& said:

" i'll pay you on
MONTHLY BASIS!!!"

MONTHLY BASIS HA..URAY SAANEN HIHIHI :lol: :lol: :lol: FUNNY

[celo_e]

Ang "******"
according to age...

15-25
matamis kahit
di malinis

26-35
matamis
kapag malinis

36-49
may konting
tamis kapag
nilinis

50 above
LASANG PANIS
KAHIT ANONG LINIS!!!

[celo_e]

girl:
doc, bat naninigas
utong ko?

doc:
hubad ka
for check-up
(hinimas ang boobs)

girl:
anong sakit ko doc?

doc:
ewan ko,
pero alam ko
nakakahawa ang
paninigas mo!!!

[celo_e]

5 dahilan kung
bakit mahirap
maging ******

5 buhok laging
gusot

4 sugat ayaw galing

3 luha ng dugo
kada buwan

2 kalbong lasing,
pasok ng pasok,
suka pa

1 ligo lagi,
bantot pa rin!!!

[celo_e]

ano ang tawag
sa boobs na maliit?
ABOT-KAMAY

ano naman ang
tawag sa boobs
na malaki?
KAPOS-PALAD

eh, sa
flat chested?
SAWING-PALAD

[celo_e]

one night, celo is reading his book
in bed with his wife asleep at his side,
and every few minutes he reaches over,
play's with his wife's "******".....
he does this 5 or 6 times, and celo's wife
finally complains, "damn it, celo, stop
teasing me!"..... celo answers, "teasing you?.....
im just getting my finger wet so i can
turn the page!!!"

[celo_e]

may isang unanong pinoy ang
pumunta sa cr, at nakakita ng
kanong umiihi. nilapitan nya ang
kano at sinabing "sir, you have
nice balls!" nagustuhan ng mayabang
na kano ang compliment ng unano at
sagot nya, "thanks, i wash them everyday!".....
tapos tinanong ng unano, "can i touch them?".....
sagot ng kano, "sure, go ahead!"..... kumuha ng
maliit na silya ang unano pumatong sya at
hinimas himas ang itlog ng kano.....
"oh yeah!, they're really nice!" sabi ng unano.....
pinaikot ikot nya sa kanyang kamay ang
dalawang itlog ng kano, at bigla na lang
pinisil at hinawakan ng mahigpit ito.....
tinignan sa mata ang kano at pasigaw sa sinabing,
"give me your wallet or i'll jump!!!!!

[celo_e]

Sprite Comercial:

kita mo n22log Bf
mo, labas TT anong
gagawin mo?


kukumutan mo ba?
sasara mo ziper o
deadma na lang?


Magpaka220 ka sister!!!!


SIPSIPIN MO NA!!!!!!!!!
OBEY YOUR THIRST

[celo_e]

Smart Advisory:


May libre ka ng 1
SEX araw-araw,
handog ng SEX Bak
Mo Libre Ko (SBMLK)


Kung ayaw mo
ng SEX say NO,
wag na umarte.


How to avail
ur free SEX? Type
ur mssg (Ex. May
place ka ba 69 tyo)


then send to
23+ the 10 digit
celfone # ng gus2
mong i SEX


(Ex. 23+000069)
Sa SEXBAK MO LIBRE
KO, ur friend
can also reply ng


"sige oo SEX tyo"
for free! Kya SEX
na! This is just
a once in lifetime


offer brought to
you by SMART
making great SEX
POSSIBLE!!!!!

[celo_e]

:arrow: :D :D :D

[celo_e]

[daguerrson]

hey guys do u know that there are 23 parts of your body that is useless?.....................they are.............20 nails that can't hammer............2 balls that can't throw and one c**k that can't crow :lol: :lol: :lol:

nice linda, but make that 22 only, the last may not crow, but sure can fight and endure like a fighting rooster!



:lol: :lol: :lol: It sure can. :!:

[celo_e]

Who said
fill in the
blank is
very easy?


Cge ikaw
nga, try
natin...


Fill this
blank
w/ YES or NO.


1. ________ i am
not a normal person....

[celo_e]

AMA: Baket, no
anyan to ti
pagbanagan ti
operasyon ko
a ket haan mo a
baybay-an dagita
annak ta.

INA: Uhhuuuuu!!!!
Agtalna ka man dita
ta awan pay ti ammok
nga natay ti KUGIT!!!!!!

[celo_e]

Men love women
who are:


SIMPLE- di
mahilig mag
panty

MABAIT- pwede
hipuan


CONSERVATIVE-
ok basta't madilim


GENEROUS-
libre salat


RELIGIOUS-
laging naka
luhod!!!!!

[celo_e]

Girl: ginaw
d2 sa sinehan,
lamig na ng
kamay ko!


Boy: hawak mo
bird ko para
uminit kamay mo!


After
few
minutes


Girl: grabe,
lamig talaga,
pati bird mo
sinisipon na!!!!!

[celo_e]

CHAVIT
SINGSON'S
PRAYER:


GAMBLING
father
who art in
JUETENG


HAKOT be
thy name
thy KICKBACK
come,


thy WEALTH
be done
on SAN JUAN
as it is in


VIGAN...



AMEN

[celo_e]

La-joe: pre,
peke POLO
shirt mo no!


Celo: dehins
pre, genuine 2!


La-joe: eh bakit
maiksi ang paa
ng kabayo sa
logo?


Celo: di naman
POLO tatak nito.
POLIO!!!!!!!

[linda]

AMA: Baket, no
anyan to ti
pagbanagan ti
operasyon ko
a ket haan mo a
baybay-an dagita
annak ta.

INA: Uhhuuuuu!!!!
Agtalna ka man dita
ta awan pay ti ammok
nga natay ti KUGIT!!!!!!

really funny..in translate ko ken lumakay ket permi ti katawa na....good joke...

[celo_e]

Luv
pahipo
sa
KAMAY!


yoko
galit
LOLA
ko,


Luv
pakis
sa
LIPS!



yoko
galit
DADI
ko,


Luv
pahipo
sa
DEDE!


yoko
galit
MAMI
ko


Luv
pahipo
sa
******!


yoko
galit
TITI
mo.

[celo_e]

Malalaman mo sakit
mo sa pamamagitan
ng KULANGOT!

pag MATAMIS
diabetic ka

pag MAALAT
may sakit ka
sa kidney

pag MAPAIT
may sakit ka
sa atay

pag TINIKMAN mo
may sakit ka sa
utak!!!!!!![/b]

[celo_e]

May
bago
ako
kanta
para
syo.........

BUM
TARONG TARONG

BUM
TARONG TARONG

SALUYOT

SALUYOT

BUGGUONG!!!!!!!

[CUPID]

May
bago
ako
kanta
para
syo.........

BUM
TARONG TARONG

BUM
TARONG TARONG

SALUYOT

SALUYOT

BUGGUONG!!!!!!!

managbuya ka ngata ti Wowowee. sirsirepem met da Luning-ning kenni Milagreen no agkayang da? :mrgreen: siak nukwa ket baliktadek pay ta tv mi barbaring mailukais diay palda da... :mrgreen: :twisted:

[CUPID]

SI LOLO AT LOLA
LOLA:make luv tayo!
LOLO:sandali lang, kukunin kong condom ko.
LOLA:ano k ba d n ko mabubuntis!
LOLO:alam ko! Pero me rayuma ang BIRD ko, di pwdng MABASA!

LOLO AT GRO
a LOLO went to karaoke bar and was asked:"Sir, ano gusto nyo GRO o CG?"
LOLO:GRO alam ko, pero anong CG, yan ba yung Call Girl?
MANAGER: "Hindi sir, Care Giver!"

LOLO AT APO
Apo: Lolo bkit mas mblis pumuti ang buhok sa itaas kaysa sa buhok sa ibaba.
Lolo: Kasi, apo, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba, puro ligaya!

HUSBAND AND WIFE
Hsbnd: Ngpchek-up ako, dear Hi-blood daw ako,kaya bawal na akong tumabi sayo.
Wife: Bakit naman?!Hsbnd: Kasi, sabi ni doc, iwasan ko raw ang matataba.

BUY AND SELL
Mrs:Hoy ale,refund mo pera ko!Nkasulat sa tag ng tShirt nabili ko:"Guaranty No Shrinking" eh bkit isang labahan,shrink agad?
Tindera:made in China po yan,kya dapat baliktad pgbasa nyo.Sa Chinese Right to left po pgbasa."Shrinking No Guaranty"pO yAn!

SPELLING CAN KILL YOU
Spelling can kill you. Watch out -Husband on an out of town assignment sent a text to wife: "Trip is wonderful.Am having a good time.Wish you were her"!

[CUPID]

GIRL IN HELL
A girL in hell complained 2 satan.
GIRL:"?ng d?mingc?t? g?ys d2, kY? Lng ?ng LiLiit ng bird"
SATAN:"g?g?!kng mL?ki y?n? d pr? k? ring n?s? HEAVEN!"

CALAMANSI
NUN:m0thr i ws rapeD.Wt shal i do?
M0THERSUPRIOR: hir,tke ds cAlamANsi.
NUN:wil ds ease d pain?
M0THER: sipsipin mO!Nang mwala ngiti s mukha mO,gAga!

TEXTMATES EYEBALL
GIRL:magsusuot ako ng yellow, ikaw?
BOY: i wr green t-shirt.
At the coffee shop...Ugly girl in yellow comes in. No guy in green. She approaches guy in red.
GIRL: xcuse me, R u my txm8?
BOY: ?i inde ah, nka green ba ko?!

COFEE NALANG DEAR
LOLA: ALAm m0 d?rleng kApg ktAbi kitA At nAg-AALmUsAL tAU, nAg-iinit pA rin Ak0
LOLO: PAAn0ng di kA mAg-iinit Eh nkALAyLAy yAng DEDE m0 s kApe

[CUPID]

Man went 2 confession.
M-Father during d war a beautiful young lady asked me to hide her from d enemies so I hid her in d attic.
F-Dats a very good gesture. U need not confess.
M-But as d days went, she repaid we w DAILY SEXUAL FAVORS.
F-Dats stil 4given my son.
M-Thank u Father. But I hav another question.
F-Wat is it my son?
M-Shall I tell her d WAR IS OVER?
Reply With Quote

[CUPID]

ONFESSION BOOTH
Sexy girl ngku2mpsal:
Pari: iha,an0 an iy0ng ikkmpsal?
SEXY:fader,pg nkkrnig po q ng la2kng ngmu2ra d q mpglan srli q n ya2in xa mgsex!
Pari: tangna,d nga?!

TATAY AT SI JUNIOR
TATAY:Jr!Pa2nayan mong d ka bading,isigaw m0 laht ng sasabihin ko.baril
Jr:baril!
TATAY:bala!
Jr:bala!
TATAY:armalite!
Jr:armalite!
TATAY:lalaki!
Jr:Asaaan?!

SI MARE AT PARE
Mare1: Mare pwde ba d2 muna ako s inyo?Lumayas ako sa min kc buntis ako.
Mare2: Dapat s taong nkbuntis sa u ka pumunta.
Mare1: Kya nga d2 ako pumunta.Jan ba c pare?

DI MAKATULOG
Husbnd: di ako mkatulog, lagi kong iniisip ang utang ko kay pare n 50 thou.
Wife:tawagan mo c pare sabihin mo d ka makkbayad para cya naman ang d mkatulog!

TEACHER & STUDENTS
Teacher to students:what should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Student:a girl on the cover & no cover on the girl..!!

[CUPID]

Passenger taps taxi driver's shoulder...

WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! screamed the driver...

Passenger: bakit ka sumigaw?
Driver: sorry bossing bago lang kasi ako sa taxi. 25
years po kasi ako
driver ng funenaria

In a pet shop...

Customer talking to a parrot...

Customer: hoy! can you talk ha?! bobo!!!
Parrot: yes i can!!! ikaw?! can you fly ha? GAGO!!!

Priest: ang mga bakla'y walang lugar sa kaharian ng
langit
Mga bakla: carry lang po father...dun na lang kami sa
rainbow mag
slide-slide!!!

Girl: doc, pacheck-up po
Doc: sige hubad ka ng panty at bra tapos higa ka
Girl: hindi po ako, itong lola ko po
Doc: sige lola, hinga na lang po ng malalim

Farmer: lalaki na talaga ang aking anak kasi magsasaka
na...ano ang
balak
mo itanim sa sakahan mo anak?
Anak: flowers papa!!! madaming madaming flowers!
pretty diba?!
Reply With Quote

[CUPID]

Wife : Lalayasan na kita... iresponsable ka...

Husb : please wag mo gawin yan. mahal kita. pag iniwan mo ako, maglalaslas ako. magpapakamatay ako!

Wife : Laslas??? Hoy duwag, tigilan mo ako. Magpatuli nga di mo magawa, laslas pa!

[CUPID]

10 QU0TABLE QU0TES'

1) better Late than pregnant.
2) pag my tyaga, Goodluck.
3) Aanhin pa ang dam0,kabay0 ba ak0?
4) Pg binat0 ka ng bat0,kawawa k.
5) kung my isinuks0k, may mabubuntiz!
6) it'z better 2 give, much better 2 receive.
7) Cleanlinez iz nxt 2 G0dlinez, 0ilinez iz nxt 2 blemishez.
8) taong naglalakad nang matulin, pawisin.
9) Pgkahaba haba man ng prusisyon, mauubusn din ng kandila.
10) honesty is... Such a lonely word


REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
---------------------------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.


BED TIME SONG FOR MEN
Nipple nipple little star
can i suck u in my car
Up above ur breast so high
Always milky never dry
Let me press it dont feel shy
In the bra it will be dry.

***

BOSS AND GRO

Boss: Let me DO you just one more time. It will be quick. I'll throw P1,000 on the floor and before you bend and pick it up, I'll be done!

GRO liked the proposal and called her BF.

BF: Ok, but ask for P2,000 and be very quick to pickup the money.
GRO: Ok hon.

After 4 hours, BFcalled and asked what happened...

GRO: Now lang natapos! Ang walangya..puro coins tinapon.

LOLA AT APO
Apo: Lola, galing ng titser ko..
Lola: Bakit apo?
Apo: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal
Lola: Aba eh di marunong ka na gumalang?
Apo: Tanga ka pala eh...syempre!

+++++++

BINATILYO SA GAY BAR
Isang binatilyo pumasok sa gay bar.
Nalaman ng nanay niya at nagalit.

Nanay: Ano ang nakita mo doon na di mo dapat makita?
Anak: Si tatay po...Tumitili!!!!

[celo_e]

stars + moon
= romantic
nights


birds + sky
= lovely
day


forest + animals
= abundant
earth


YOU + your SMILE

HALLOWEEN!!!!!!

[celo_e]

men love
women
who are:


SIMPLE- di
mahilig
mag panty.


MABAIT-
pwede hipuan.


CONSERVATIVE-
ok bastat
madilim.


GENEROUS-
libre salat.


RELIGIOUS-
laging naka
luhod

[celo_e]

huwag
kang
malulungkot
o
magdaramdam
kapag
ika'y
nag-iisa....


sapagkat
sa
mata
ng



duling


lahat
tyo
ay
dalawa.


hanggat
may
duling
di
ka
nag-iisa........

[celo_e]

sorry


wala
ako
lately


busy
lang.


alam
mo
na....


work,


reports,


concerts,


pictorials,


comercials,


tapings,


mall tours,


ay!!!
dito na
AMO ko,
bye!!!!!

[CUPID]

boy gwapo + girl maganda = perfect couple

boy gwapo + girl panget = true love

boy panget + girl ganda = galing ng diskarte

boy panget + girl panget = SUKOB!!

[CUPID]

You may have read some versions of this so you don't have to laugh if you can't. Read on.....


NOAH'S ARK
If Noah lived in the United States today..............

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.

"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah", He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" Cried Noah:
"I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not meet the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.

I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls. The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard. The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft." Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean You are not going to destroy the earth Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

ONLY IN AMERICA... :LOL:

[celo_e]

a small
kid wrote to
santa clause,

"send
me a
brother".

santa
wrote
back.

"send
me ur
mother".

[celo_e]

dear God,

thank you
for making
me healthy.

can you
also make
me sexy?

if you
can't make
me sexy,

please make
all my friends
FAT & UGLY

[celo_e]

man: i kiss my
wife everyday b4
leaving for office,

what
about
you?

santa: me too,
after you leave!!!!!!

[celo_e]

chinese was in
the hospital,
santa went
to meet him.

chinese said:
"CHING CHONG
CHU CHU" and died.

santa went to
china to know
the meaning,
it was....

"IDIOT,
REMOVE YOUR
FOOT FROM
MY OXYGEN PIPE"!!!!