joke everyday

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MAKE MY DAY!
This thread is for everyone who needs a little bit of tickle in their bones... please make us laugh....post any joke that you think can make us laugh...

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Txt jks

1st night lola wore see thru dress, lolo didn't react... 2nd night lola wore t-back, lolo still deadma... ! 3rd night lola all naked, lolo said "anu yan suot mo, gusot-gusot!!"

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Teacher: We are descendants of Adam and Eve!
Student: That's not ! true! My dad sez we are descendants of an Ape!
Teacher: We are not talking about your FAMILY!

:lol:

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Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na to, let's make love.

Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising bukas, buti ikaw hindi na
:lol:

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Vitamins

PANCHITO: Vitamins ko ABC - Alak, Babae, at Cigarette.
BABALU: Ako naman DEF - Damo, Egg, at Frutas.
DOLPHY: Ako, from A to Z - Alma to Zsa Zsa.
:o

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First Love

ANAK: Inay, totoo ba na " First Love Never Dies?"
NANAY: Aba, oo. Tingnan mo yang Tatay mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang walanghiya!

:wink:

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Suko kay Mr.

Mrs 1: Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang akong binubugbog bago niroromansa.
Mrs 2: Ganoon ba? Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.

toink :oops:

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ANAK: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko yung panty ko!
INAY: Bastos yun ah! Ano ang ginawa mo?
ANAK: Inalis ko at itinago ko yung panty, para di nya makita

sus apo :lol:

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Balita

Kumiriring ang telepono nang madaling araw...."Hello, Master Carlos? Si Arnaldo po ito, `yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Mr. Arnaldo, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?"
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? `Yung nanalo sa bird show?"
"Opo, Master Carlos, `yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong `yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Mr Arnaldo?"
"E, `yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg?"
"Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman `yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
"Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po `yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab `yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan `yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?"
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siyang dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw.Binaril ko."

horror :roll:

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Anak: Itay, ano ang kaibahan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bespren mong si Tikboy, anak ko rin, CONFIDENTIAL yan.

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Ay, mali

SPEAKER: Who among you had experienced having sex with a ghost?
(A farmer raised his hand)
SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Ay! Akala ko goats!

bastus :D

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Nuno sa punso

Dalawang mag-barkada nag-uusap:
Mike: Bakit lumaki yung paa ni Amy?
Jun: Sinipa yung punso!
Mike: Bakit lumaki yung nguso ni Fe?
Jun: Dinuraan yung punso. O pare saan ka pupunta?
Mike: Iihi sa punso!
:lol: ayayaay

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Sino lasing?

A police patrol car stops a man from driving because of suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.
Police: Sori sir, kailangan po kayong bumaba sa kotse nyo.
Driver: Bakheeet..hik!
Police: Kutob ko kasi lasing kayo.
Driver: Di ako lasheeng..hik!
Police: Sige para makasiguro ako...kilala nyo ba ako?
Driver: oo...pulishhh ka.
Driver: ako kilala mo bahhh?
Police: hindi.
Driver: ikaw palang lasheeng eh!

:D give me fayb! :hb:

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Ginising ng lasing na lalake ang asawa sa kalagitnaan ng gabi.
Lalake: Darlhing, darlhing, may multo sa banyo nathinn.
Babae: ( Nabigla at natakot) paano mo nasabi yan?
Lalake: Dahil pag binubuksan ko ang pinto para umihi bumubukas ang ilaw...
Babae: ( Sabay batok sa asawang lasing) Hayop ka! ikaw pala ang umiihi sa refrigerator natin!

ngrrrr! :lol:

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Maid: sir, sino ang mas masarap ako o si ma'am?
Sir: sympre ikaw.
Maid: naguguluhan ako, kasi sabi ng driver natin, mas masarap daw si ma'am kaysa sa akin...

:mrgreen: birdi

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HUNTER kills a DEER and cooks it for his family's dinner.
SON: Dad. wat are we having for dinner?
DAD: It's wat ur mother always calls me.
SON: (SCREAMS!) Oh my God! We are eating an A-S-S-H-O-L-E!

agree :oops:

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Txt jks

"Dear Itay, Padalhan mo naman ako ng pera, kinain ng daga ang mga damit ko. "
"Dear Anak, Wala akong pera. Kung gusto mo, padalhan na lang kita ng pusa." --

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May isang lalaki, umihi sa pader.
Biglang kumidlat. . .

Sigaw ng lalaki: "Panginoon kooooh, wag mong ipa-develop. . . supot pa ako!"

nyeeeh! 8O

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Mrs: Pwede ho bang manawagan sa mister ko, dinala niya ang lima naming anak?
Announcer: Go ahead.
Mrs: Hoy, buang! Isauli mo ang mga bata, isa lang ang sa iyo dyan!

:roll: give me four!

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Wife : Love, mahal mo ba ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.
Wife : Baka naman binobola mo lang ako?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

:oops:

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Getting old

Dami pala blessing pag tumatanda. May silver sa buhok, gold sa ngipin, stones sa kidney, sugar sa dugo, oil sa mukha, at gas sa tiyan.
Ingat ka, baka ka ma-kidnap!

:lol:

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The US government has announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
:hb:

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Erap jokes

Jinggoy: Dad, 22o bang may side effect ang viagra?
Erap: Tanga! sa harap effect nyan hindi sa side!!!!

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Txt joks

Patient: Dok. malungkot d2 sa mental kaya naisipan kong sulatan ang sarili ko...
Doc: e ano namn laman ng sulat mo?
Patient: d ko pa po alam kc next wik ko pa ata matatangap...

hmmmnn email na lang kaya? :wink:

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Kring... kring... kring...

Amo: Inday, sagutin mo ang telepono baka kabit yan ng sir mo!
Inday: Si Ma'am talaga o, pinapaselos pa ako!

mariasantisima :lol:

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Definition

A policeman is trying to arrest a prostitute:
Prosti: But I am not a prostitute because I do not sell sex!
Police: So what do you do?
Prosti: I sell condoms and offer free demonstration.

can we try? :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Message

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employees. It says:

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
$teven

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear Steven,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
NOrman
Manager

oic :lol:

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Leaking gift

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
`'What is it?"
"A puppy!"

Don't try this at home! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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Tech Talk
Little Johnny asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
Dad answers, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on AOL. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: "You've Got Male!'"
:lol:

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Preventive
Si Tulume ay may cancer at malapit nang mamatay.
Anak: Itay, bakit niyo po pinagsasabi sa mga taong AIDS ikamamatay niyo?
Tulume: Para pag namatay ako, walang gagalaw sa nanay mo !

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Let me bite?

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"
"Are you nuts?" she replies, before walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again:
"Would you let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there"
So they went to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but no biting.
In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah", he replies. "Too expensive"

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Mad Cow

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields. The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Bill's land just down the road!"
The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

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Q&A

Ayon sa kwento, bakit daw maalat ang dagat?
Sagot: Kasi natapon iyong asin na dala ng mama habang tumatawid siya sa paa ng higante papunta sa kabilang isla.
Bakit naman bumula ang tubig sa dagat.
Sagot: Dahil naliligo at naglalaba ang mga isda.

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Q&A

Ayon sa kwento, bakit daw maalat ang dagat?
Sagot: Kasi natapon iyong asin na dala ng mama habang tumatawid siya sa paa ng higante papunta sa kabilang isla.
Bakit naman bumula ang tubig sa dagat.
Sagot: Dahil naliligo at naglalaba ang mga isda.

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Smart enough

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "What is 1 and 1?" "Eleven," she replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant but she's right."Then the sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter `T'?" "Today and tomorrow," replied the blonde. He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" asked the sheriff. The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." The sheriff replied, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her best friend was waiting to hear the results of the interview.
The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

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A Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

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Erap went to star bucks,

Erap: isang kape nga!

Waiter: sir, decaf po ba?

Erap (mad): aba syempre, alangan naman de plato!

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Erap bought an AM radio. it took him 3 long years to realize that ang AM radio pala ay pwede rin sa gabi.

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Bill: lets help one another.
Erap: tayoy magtulungan
Bill: lets strive
Erap: tayo ay magsikap
Bill: coz in union there is strength!
Erap: pagkat sa sibuyas may titigas

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Erap: may magsui-suicide sa tv. bet you di siya tatalon.
Loi: sige.
Erap: ay tumalon. talo ako.
Loi: kita ko na kasi yan sa news kanina.
Erap: ako rin kita ko, pero di ko akalain tatalon siya uli.

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Russia: we are the first in space.
Usa: we r d 1st in d moon.
Erap: we will be d 1st on d sun.
Usa: u can't land on d sun, 2 hot.
Erap: we r not stupid,we go der at night.
:D

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Bunye's favorite song:

I have 2 discs, the left and the right, 1 is orig and 1 is fake, hear them slowly 123, all you can hear is "HELLO GARCI"

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GMA to Garci: Hello Garci. Pasahan mo naman ako ng load, este, vote.
:hb:

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Q: Bakit tahimik pa rin si GMA kahit napakainit ng isyu sa kanya?

A: Baka daw siya mabosesan.

[superduper]

Garci: Hindi ako nagtatago noh! Nakikipag-phonepal ako kay Saddam
:wink:

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Tanong: Bakit na-cancel ang trip ni GMA sa Saudi.
Sagot: Dahil sa Saudi Arabia, kapag magnanakaw,
putol ang kamay, kapag sinungaling putol ang dila
at kapag masamang tao, putol ang ulo. Walang
matitira kay Ate Glue!

:roll:

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A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?"
The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

:( never again?

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A little boy wrote to Santa ...

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
:D

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Three Wise Men

Three Wise men were going to heaven, but before that, they each had to answer a question from God. The first Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first man on earth?" He answered Adam and was let in. The second Wise Man came up and God asked him, "Who was the first woman on earth?" He answered Eve and was let in. The thrid Wise Man came up and God asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" He thought for a moment, "Hmm, that's a hard one..." And God said, you may be let into Heaven.

:D sus apo :!:

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

:D ouch

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A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.

"Dammit woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

toink :o

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terribly, doctor, terribly."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

:D ayyyy :!: :oops:

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A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break
furniture, and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

:D ilocano kaya 'to? :lol: damot e :wink:

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The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

:D kaw lang ba? :lol:

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Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband Fred kept under their bed. The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn't figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn't. In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, 'Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?'

He replied, 'Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.'

Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times. 'But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?' she asked. 'Every time I got a dozen, I sold it.'

ayy :roll:

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A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

:D nyek :lol:

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce."

"Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.

:D really? :lol:

[superduper]

Some practical Chinese phrases:

Ai Bang Mai Nee- I bumped into the coffee table

Chin Tuh Fat-You need a face lift

Dum Gai- A stupid person

Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you're harboring a fugitive

Kum Hia- Approach me

Lao Zi - Not very good

Lin Ching- An illegal execution

Neewang Kai Ko- I need to put on weight

Shai Gai - A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be- A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse

Ten Ding Bah - Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung- A person with TB

Wah Shing Kah - Car wash

Wai Soh Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting - There is no reason to raise your voice

Wah Lah Na- That's all folks!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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Help Wanted
Matagal nang naghahanap ng trabaho yung bagong saltang Pinoy. Nakakita siya ng posibilidad sa "Help Wanted" section ng Classified Ads. "Wanted - Painter of Porch". Aba!, sabi nung Pinoy sa sarili... OK ito! Sa Pilipinas, e marami na akong pininta; yung libingan ng lolo ko, yung pader ng lumang bahay namin, yung kulungan ng mga baboy ng tiyo ko - pwede palagay ko ako rito!


In-explain nung Kano na nangangailangan ng pintor: "I need to have my porch painted, all in one day. The work involves scraping all the paint up to the bare surface, applying a coat of primer and two final coats of orange paint. Can you do this?"


Sagot nung Pinoy nung ininterbyu siya ng Kano... "Sir, yes sir. I can kaskas... I mean, remoob paint en apply paint beri well."

"Okay!", sabi nung Kano. "You've got the job! Everything you'll need has been unloaded from the trunk of the car."

Tatlong oras pa lang, narinig na nung Kano na kumakatok yung Pinoy sa pinto niya. "Sir... Pinis oreydi".


"Wow!" sabi nung Kano. "You finished the job in three hours. Are you sure you scraped the old paint to the bare surface?"


"Sir, yes sir. I tanggalated all the old paint." sagot nung Pinoy.

"Then, you deserve a bonus! Here's another 20 bucks." sabi nung Kano.

"Sir, tenkyu sir." wika nung Pinoy. "Pero sir, you don't heb a porch...your car is a BMW..."

eyngggg! :lol: :lol: :lol: my other car is a kuliglig :wink:

[superduper]

Questions and Definitions



Ano ang maliit na goat?
kapiranggot

? Eh ano ang maliit na cat?
katiting

? Ano naman ang maliit na duck?
pandak

? Bakit nahihiya ang biik?
kasi baboy ang nanay n'ya

? Bakit nahihiya ang duckling?
kasi kumekembot ang tatay n'ya pag naglalakad

? Anong sabi ni #1 kay #10?
"Ang taba naman ng girlfriend mo!"

? Eh anong sabi ni #1 kay #1,010?
"Wow, double date!"

Anong sabi naman ni #1 kay #8?
"Ang sikip naman ng belt mo!"

? Anong sabi ni letter O kay letter Q?
"Pare, magsuot ka naman ng brief!"

? How to use curtain and kitchen in a sentence:
"'Wag mo 'kong curtain Masakitchen!"
:lol:

[superduper]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn?t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ?My friend is dead! What can I do?? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ?Just take it easy. I can help. First, let?s make sure he?s dead.? There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy?s voice comes back on the line. He says: ?OK, now what??

ngak :lol:

[superduper]

English Translations of Filipino Names


Remigio Batungbacal
Remington Steel

Bienvenido Jurado
Ben Hur

Federico Hagibis
Federal Express


Eleoterio Ignacio
Electronic Ignition

Casimiro Bukaykay
Cashmere Bouquet

Rogelio Dagdag
Roger Moore

Topacio Mamaril
Top Gun

Restituto Pruto
Tutti Frutti

Samuel Tampipi
Sam Sonite

Veneracion De Asis
Venereal Disease

Francisco Portero
Frank Furter

Diosdado Durante
Deo Dorant

[superduper]

Police Chief: "Guards, may nakawalang hoodlum! Bantayan ang mga exits!"

Later...
Guard: "Sir, nakatakas ang hoodlum."
Police Chief: "Paano nangyari iyun?"
Guard: "Sir, sa entrance siya dumaan."

[superduper]

Sira-ulo #1: "Kaya mo bang tumawid sa ilaw ng flashlight ko?"
Sira-ulo #2: "Ayoko nga, ano ako, sira? e paano kung pinatay mo ang ilaw, e di mahulog pa ako. Wa-is ito, hehehe"

:D nah :?:

[touchstone]

talga met manong superduper impaspas mo ti agpost ti joke ditoy ti ammok la no joke everyday..jove evry seconds met gayam :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ala ket an-anusak nga basaen sagpa-bassit.. :wink:

[superduper]

talga met manong superduper impaspas mo ti agpost ti joke ditoy ti ammok la no joke everyday..jove evry seconds met gayam :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

ala ket an-anusak nga basaen sagpa-bassit.. :wink:

nyehehe sinipag, the more the merrier :wink: :wink: :wink:

[superduper]

Courtesy of LaughLab.co.uk

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
:idea: good

[superduper]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: ?That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!?
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to a man next to her: ?The driver just insulted me!?
The man says: ?You go right up there and tell him off ? go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.?

:D kaya naman pala

[superduper]

ERAP: Loi, pasahan mo nga ako ng 2 pesos my importante lang akong itetext.
LOI: (P2 send)
ERAP: (message received) OK!! got it thanks!
LOI: Tanga! wag ka ng magreply, Sayang!!
ERAP: ok!

pasa ulit :lol:

[superduper]

Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office.
The film is entitled "Tanginang Yaman."

coming soon :?: :wink:

[superduper]

When she first stepped into Malacanang Palace, President GMA recalled her childhood days there when her father, Diosdado Macapagal, was the President. "I grew up here" she said. "That's not true!" quipped an old member of the Malacanang household staff. "She never grew up."

:wink:

[superduper]

courtesy: pinoyjokes.net

Pampilo: Its a very wrong call talaga ang ginawa ni Ate Glo, pandaraya yon sa mga mamamayan.
Erap: Talagang wrong call, dapat nagtext nalang nakatipid pa.

exactly! :lol:

[superduper]

A sexy reporter was interviewing Erap. At pag upo pa lang pinisil ni Erap ang boobs ng reporter.

Reporter: Bakit n?o pinisil ang boobs ko?
Erap: Kasi may nakalagay na PRESS eh!

oo nga naman :wink:

[superduper]

Jude: Dad, macho na ba ako? May tattoo na ako sa dibdib!
Erap: Agila ba o Dragon?
Jude: Ah...Eh...Hello Kitty!------------------------------------

:lol: beautiful

[superduper]

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."
:hb:

[superduper]

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

copy that :lol:

[superduper]

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

suck em :wink:

[superduper]

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a thingy?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."

"OK," says St. Peter, "dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

The next nun admits, "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."

"OK," says St. Peter, "rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.

"Well, your excellency," says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her *** in it."

oh gross! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup with that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

press start.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man walked into a lawyer?s office and inquired about the rates.

Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

Isn't that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes,the lawyer replied, and what was your third question??

what? :x

[superduper]

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

ya, he's the murderer? :lol:

[superduper]

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post."Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

ummmpphhh! :lol:

[superduper]

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. Step aside, lady, he barked. I've taken a course in first-aid!

The woman watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. Pardon me, she said. But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.

:lol: toink

[superduper]

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn?t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

ma'am may i go outing :lol:

[Myrna]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these Dad?" To which the man matter-of-fact replies, "Those are called condoms son. Man use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see", replied the boy positively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and pick up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, One for Friday, One for Saturday, and One for Sunday."....COOL says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "These are for college men" , the Dad answers, Two for Friday, Two for Saturday, and Two for Sunday."...WOW! exclaimed the boy, then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eyes, the Dad replied, "Those are for married men....One for January, one for February, one for March, and so on and so forth.... :cry: :cry: :cry: .."

[Myrna]

Immigration Test....How TRUE?????

Mujibar was trying to get into the USA legally through immigration.
The officer said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except there is one more test. Unless you pass it, you cannot enter the USA.
Mujibar said, "I am ready".
The officer said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green".
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister officer, I am ready".
The office said, "Go ahead".
Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar".
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you, and works at verizon help desk. I talked with him yesterday. :roll:

[MHTS]

You can ADD all jokes to the Module INOL Jokes

Go here >> http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes

Select Write a Joke from the header...

[superduper]

You can ADD all jokes to the Module INOL Jokes

Go here >> http://www.ilocosnorte-online.com/inside/modules.php?name=INOL_Jokes

Select Write a Joke from the header...

apo lakay, reading jokes here is better.... just opening the thread and you can read the jokes randomly...what do you think? :wink:

[superduper]

What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.
:roll:

[superduper]

What did the tie say to the neck?
I think I'll just hang around.
:)

[superduper]

A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and
she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand
and asks the man, ''Sir, how old do you think I am''? The man
replies ''You're 30, right?'' She says ''No, I'm 47, but nice
try.'' The next day, she goes to McDonald's. She orders her
lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ''How old do you
think I am?'' The man replies, ''You're 37, right?'' The lady
says ''No, I'm 47, but good guess.'' After lunch, she gets on
the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He
replies ''Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my
hand down her panties.'' So, quietly and quickly, she lets him
do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ''You're 47!'' The
lady, astonished, asks, ''How did you know?'' The old man
replies ''I was standing right behind you at McDonald's.''

oooops! :oops:

[superduper]

The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
A boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."

hurry! :lol:

[juVans]

Joke every three minutes sa met daytoy?

:mrgreen:

[juVans]

Adda balon ko a joke, denggen yo apo, hehe.


Maestra: Bitoy, spell AMBULANCE.

Bitoy: Capital A M B ... weee..weeeng.....weenggggg....pa pap....wennngggg.



(korni)


:roll: :mrgreen: :roll:

[superduper]

Being Pinoy

You know you're Filipino when...
? your grandparents live with you

? your grandparents won't walk anywhere around the house without tsinelas

? you know everyone at a Filipino party

? you can't eat a meal without rice

? the most advanced piece of technology in your home is your rice cooker

? you park in the "no parking" areas even when there's still free spots elsewhere (bonus marks if you're lucky enough to get the spot right in front of the NO PARKING sign)

? you say "close de lights" instead of "turn off the lights"

? the accepted way to get someone's attention is by going "HOY!" or "pssst!"

? you're excessively loud when telling people to be quiet

? you tend to switch HE and SHE backwards

? you tend to switch the P and F sounds like, "Oh! what fretty plowers!" :lol:

? you ask "Hab you eaten yet? Wat do you want to eat? ha?" whenever someone comes over

? your vocal shouting strength is equivalent to that of 10 men

? you sneeze like "aaaHEEEE!!!!" really really ridiculously loud

? you get tenses mixed up, e.g. "did you picked up the food yet?"

? you have no shame in throwing joint birthday parties

? you turn red when you drink too much

? you have plastic on your sofas and car seats

? you have a Santo Nino

? you have either a crucifix or bananas hanging off your rearview mirror

? you have at least 3 middle names

? you force your kids to play in the party games so hard to the point that they start to cry

? you are asked "Do you hab a boyprend/girlprend yet?" at parties

? you're told to get more food even though your plate is already heaping with food

? you have hoards and hoards of stored food that was on sale

? your parents are too proud to ever say sorry

? you HAVE to have a group pose in every single picture you take while on vacation .... not to mention all the other ones that are probably up already!!
:lol:

[superduper]

Population

Population policies of countries:
China: Stop at 1 child.

Singapore: Stop at 2 children

Philippines: Stop at 4 A.M.!
:hb:

[superduper]

Exclamations

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?

American: Excuse me.

British: Pardon me.

Pinoy: NOT ME!
:lol:

[superduper]

Palusot

May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:

"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

humanda ka! :lol:

[superduper]

Ama't anak

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"

Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"

Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

abaw... :lol:

[superduper]

Anak niya

Sa harap ng nursery window:
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive

Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?

Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!


:lol: :oops: pinaglihian ba?

[daguerrson]

Ama't anak

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"

Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"

Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

abaw... :lol:

Ngek :!: Lalong pumangit ang usapan :!: Ne, apay agTagtagalogak metten. :oops:

[superduper]

Life's lessons

Tandang tanda namin ni kuya ang saya at lumbay sa poder nina Inay at Itay...lalo na ang mga magagandang lessons na natutunan namin sa kanila!
1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako ng HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas. Mga p......a kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay."

2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay. "Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!"

3. Si Itay, tinuruan niya kami ni Kuya kung ano'ng ibig sabihin ng TIME TRAVEL. "Kung di kayo tumigil ng pagngangawa diyan, tatadyakan ko kayo ng todo hanggang umabot kayo sa isang linggo!"

4. Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC. "Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko."

5. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC."Kapag ikaw ay nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang magiisa ang manonood ng sine."

6. Kay Itay naman natuto ng FORESIGHT si Kuya. "Siguraduhin mo na lagi kang magsusuot ng malinis na brief, para pagnaka-score ka sa syota mo e di kahihiyahiya."

7. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sahibin ng IRONY. "Sige ngumalngal ka, kung di bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

8. Kay Inay ako natuto ng science of OSMOSIS. "P.....a, itigil mo ang kadadakdak at tapusin mong kainin ang inihanda kong hapunan para sa iyo."

9. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM. "Tignan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo?!?"

10. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng STAMINA. "Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga't di mo natatapos kainin lahat yang gulay mo!"

11. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng WEATHER. "Alangya, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid, parang dinaanan ng bagyo!"

12. CIRCLE OF LIFE, ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay ay ganito: "Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito, maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito."

13. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Tatadya-kan kita diyan. Huwag ka ngang mag-uumarte diyan na parang Nanay mo!"

14. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY. "Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang, di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?."

15. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION. "Tangna kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay...."!

16. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung ano ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING. "Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay....!"

17. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR. "Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawn mower, wag na wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!"

18. Kay Itay naman natuto si Kuya ng HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "Kung di ka matutong magbati, eh di ka nga tatangkad."

19. Si Inay ang nagturo sa akin kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS. "Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya."

20. Kay Inay din ako natuto ng WISDOM. "Pag umabot ka na ng edad ko, saka mo pa lang maiintindihan ang lahat."

21. At ang paborito ko sa lahat na natutunan ko kay Inay at Itay ay kung ano ang JUSTICE. "Isang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak, panalangin namin na sana'y matulad sila sa yo... haliparot!"

ideal family.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Loving Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. I's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ....go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking for $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in awe.Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

:oops: can i have that phone? :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Filipino Linguistics

Noong elementary ako, uso pa ang Wakasan, sinusubaybayan ko ang nobelang Tubig at Langis; ang Movie Especial na komiks kung saan kapanapanabik ang bawat eksena sa buhay ni Zuma na siya namang ama ni Galema. Sa komiks ang tawag sa babaeng nagbebenta ng panandaliang aliw ay baylerina. Kinalaunan, naging belyas, tapos naging English: hospitality girls tapos ngayon GRO.

Elementary ako nang makagisnan ko ang batiang "Give Me Five" Masyado yatang pormal ang handshake kaya Give me Five, Man ang pumalit. Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang kapag natutunan ng kanilang anak na paslit ang mag-give me five. Tapos sa mga American games, naging High Five or Give me five, up here!? Hindi pahuhuli ang Pinoy basta galing sa America. Ang Give me five, up here! ay naging Appear! Halos lahat yata ng Pinoy babies ganito ang series of training, "Anak, where is the light; where is the moon? Ang nadagdag, "Appear! Appear! At dahil sa E.T. ni Speilberg, "Align, Align!" Again, Tuwang-tuwa ang mga magulang.
.........at ngayong 2006..... mga bata magaling nang magtext... :wink: :wink: :wink: sample: mamemimomu! :wink: (may multo daw!)

[superduper]

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.
Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

she's probably angry with you... :|

[superduper]

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: What does it mean when the baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

uh-oh :)

[superduper]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Ellie stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.

She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:

"Will I be acquitted?"

run hubby run.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know . . . I would have gotten out today."


ok... let's try again :lol:

[superduper]

The Elements

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: MAN

Symbol: MN

Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time.

Usage: None known. Possibly good source of methane gas. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


:lol: what's the chemical symbol of "Bading"? :roll:

[superduper]

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church . . .
. . ., listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"


:lol: Do you have another sister for me... :roll:

[superduper]

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that." replied the nonchalant husband.

"Then why on Earth did you invite a friend for supper?!?" said the infuriated wife.

"Because the poor guy's thinking about getting married."


ok... don't mention the kids! :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man staggered into an emergency room with two black eyes . . .
. . . and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. " I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball...stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do? asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

ooops... i mean the ball... :oops: :oops: :oops:

[superduper]

What Men Expect in a Wife

She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
She will insist that moving the furniture by herself, it's good for her figure.
She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.
She will hate charge cards.
Her favorite expression will be, "What can I do for you, Dear?"
She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. America.
She will wish you would go out with the boys so that she could get some sewing done.
She will love you because you're so sexy.


What Men Get in a Wife

She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
She was once a model for a totem pole.
Where there's smoke, there she is-- cooking.
She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
She lets you know you only have two faults: everything you do, and everything you say.
No matter what she does with it, her hair looks like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

[superduper]

A devoted wife was taking care of her husband, who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months.
When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near. "You have been with me through all the bad times," he said.

"When I got fired, you were there. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you stayed by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

ok...till death do us part.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A Farmer was married to his nagging wife who made his life miserable.
The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, his wife stomped out and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, the farmer?s mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, the minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Bill he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached the farmer and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

"Well," the farmer replied, "the women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale?' and I shook my head, no."

:D i will sell it on e-bay after the funeral... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf.
He thought to himself, "Oh, message in a bottle." He took out the cork and out popped a genie. The genie said, "Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes -- however, I'm a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double."

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then -- POOF!! -- a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, "For my second wish, put $10 million on that table." Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows and his mother-in-law got $20 million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, "OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double." The genie said, "Yes, I'm the mother-in-law genie, and that's the way it works."

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, "OK, for my third wish,... beat me half to death!"


...let's drink to that.... :wink: :wink: :wink:

[superduper]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

kiss me again baby :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man is in court for murder and the judge says ...
... You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.'

Then a voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

Then the judge continues, 'you are also charged With beating your daughter to death with a hammer.'

Again the voice at the back of the court says, 'you bastard.'

The judge says, 'now we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge You With contempt, now what is the problem?'

Then the man at the back of the court says, 'fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!'

...ooops... i was using it :lol:

[superduper]

A 55-year-old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend.

The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws $5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5 to win.

Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.

:cry:

[superduper]

A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

ay... ikaw pala duling... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

END OF THE WORLD HEADLINES

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest: 'BYE

Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

TIME magazine: RENEW YOUR SUBSCRIPTION FOR ETERNITY

People's Tonite: SUMALANGIT NA

[superduper]

The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

toink :lol:

[superduper]

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

"Say, is this really a healthy place?"

"It sure is," the man replied.

"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."

orig :lol:

[superduper]

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker...

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was $20,000.

9. He's won the Lottery sweepstakes three years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.

6. Somehow he/she gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeez" 95 times during the movie "The Net"

4. Massive RRSP contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. Video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, "Good Morning, Mr. President."

1. You hear him murmur, "Let's see you use that Visa card now, jerk."
:hb:

[superduper]

jokes from my friend

michael asul (12/19/2005 10:34:51 PM): CHRISTMAS is in the air! I would like to formally announce that I?m already accepting gifts and cash or load. Avoid the holiday rush! Send it now! Thank you
:D
michael asul (12/19/2005 10:35:01 PM): When people ask me kung bakit sobrang importante ka sa akin, I just smile. Alam mo kung bakit? Well? bakit ko sasabihin sa kanila? Agawin ka pa nila?! Ayoko nga! I don?t wanna share! Ano ka?! Load
:D
michael asul (12/19/2005 10:35:54 PM): Hey! Tanong ko lang? Hindi ka ba makatulog pag uminom ka ng kape? Baligtad pala tayo. Ako kasi? hindi makainom ng kape pag tulog. Ang hirap
:D
michael asul (12/19/2005 10:36:32 PM): Lahat ng tao, sinungaling. Lahat ng tao, plastic. Lahat ng tao, manloloko. Pero ikaw, hindi. Kasi, hindi ka tao? angel ka! Angel na nahulog sa lupa, una ang mukha

[MHTS]

The top ten signs that your co-worker is a computer hacker...

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.



Some give it to you in Binary.

Hehehehe, no I don't give it in Binary or Hex, I don't give it at all...

[superduper]

Say I love you in many languages!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Afrikaans - Ek het jou lief
Albanian - Te dua
Arabic - Ana behibak (to male)
Arabic - Ana behibek (to female)
Armenian - Yes kez sirumen
Bambara - M'bi fe
Bangla - Aamee tuma ke bhalo baashi
Belarusian - Ya tabe kahayu
Bisaya - Nahigugma ako kanimo
Bulgarian - Obicham te
Cambodian - Bung Srorlagn Oun (to female)
Oun Srorlagn Bung (to male)
Cantonese Chinese - Ngo oiy ney a
Catalan - T'estimo
Cheyenne - Ne mohotatse
Chichewa - Ndimakukonda
Corsican - Ti tengu caru (to male)
Creol - Mi aime jou
Croatian - Volim te
Czech - Miluji te
Danish - Jeg Elsker Dig
Dutch - Ik hou van jou
English - I love you
Esperanto - Mi amas vin
Estonian - Ma armastan sind
Ethiopian - Ewedishalehu : male/female to female
Ewedihalehu: male/female to male.
Faroese - Eg elski teg
Farsi - Doset daram
Filipino - Mahal kita
Finnish - Mina rakastan sinua
French - Je t'aime, Je t'adore
Gaelic - Ta gra agam ort
Georgian - Mikvarhar
German - Ich liebe dich
Greek - S'agapo
Gujarati - Hu tumney prem karu chu
Hiligaynon - Palangga ko ikaw
Hawaiian - Aloha wau ia oi
Hebrew - Ani ohev otah (to female)
Hebrew - Ani ohev et otha (to male)
Hiligaynon - Guina higugma ko ikaw
Hindi - Hum Tumhe Pyar Karte hae
Hmong - Kuv hlub koj
Hopi - Nu' umi unangwa'ta
Hungarian - Szeretlek
Icelandic - Eg elska tig
Ilonggo - Palangga ko ikaw
Indonesian - Saya cinta padamu
Inuit - Negligevapse
Irish - Taim i' ngra leat
Italian - Ti amo
Japanese - Aishiteru
Kannada - Naa ninna preetisuve
Kapampangan - Kaluguran daka
Kiswahili - Nakupenda
Konkani - Tu magel moga cho
Korean - Sarang Heyo
Latin - Te amo
Latvian - Es tevi miilu
Lebanese - Bahibak
Lithuanian - Tave myliu
Malay - Saya cintakan mu / Aku cinta padamu
Malayalam - Njan Ninne Premikunnu
Mandarin Chinese - Wo ai ni
Marathi - Me tula prem karto
Mohawk - Kanbhik
Moroccan - Ana moajaba bik
Nahuatl - Ni mits neki
Navaho - Ayor anosh'ni
Norwegian - Jeg Elsker Deg
Pandacan - Syota na kita!!
Pangasinan - Inaru Taka
Papiamento - Mi ta stimabo
Persian - Doo-set daaram
Pig Latin - Iay ovlay ouyay
Polish - Kocham Cie
Portuguese - Eu te amo
Romanian - Te ubesk
Roman Numerals - 333
Russian - Ya tebya liubliu
Scot Gaelic - Tha gra\dh agam ort
Serbian - Volim te
Setswana - Ke a go rata
Sign Language - ,\,,/ (represents position of fingers when signing 'I Love You'
Sindhi - Maa tokhe pyar kendo ahyan
Sioux - Techihhila
Slovak - Lu`bim ta
Slovenian - Ljubim te
Spanish - Te quiero / Te amo
Swahili - Ninapenda wewe
Swedish - Jag alskar dig
Swiss-German - Ich lieb Di
Tagalog - Mahal kita
Taiwanese - Wa ga ei li
Tahitian - Ua Here Vau Ia Oe
Tamil - Naan unnai kathalikiraen
Telugu - Nenu ninnu premistunnanu
Thai - Chan rak khun (to male)
Thai - Phom rak khun (to female)
Turkish - Seni Seviyorum
Ukrainian - Ya tebe kahayu
Urdu - mai aap say pyaar karta hoo
Vietnamese - Anh ye^u em (to female)
Vietnamese - Em ye^u anh (to male)
Welsh - 'Rwy'n dy garu
Yiddish - Ikh hob dikh
Yoruba - Mo ni fe

even then... masungit pa rin :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his
lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage
to hook up his boat to the truck and head down to his favorite fishing
area.

Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain.
It's freezing, there is snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is
blowing with 50 mph. gusts.

He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and
turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad
weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly
undresses, and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of
anticipation, and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible!"

To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out
fishing in that shit?!"

hahhahahaha...patay kang babae ka :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
" Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, " Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird' s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, " New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought " that' s really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, " New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were
a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman' s husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, " Hi, Keith" .

coincidence :D

[superduper]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
:D

[superduper]

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, " Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
:lol:

[superduper]

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

lasheng :lol:

[superduper]

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, " Dark in here."

The man says, " Yes it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball."

Man - " That' s nice."

Boy - " Want to buy it?"

Man - " No, thanks."

Boy - " My dad' s outside."

Man - " OK, how much?"

Boy - " $250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom' s lover are in the closet together.

Boy - " Dark in here."

Man - " Yes, it is."

Boy - " I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much?"

Boy - " $750."

Man - " Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, " Grab your glove. Let' s go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, " I can' t. I sold them."

The father asks, " How much did you sell them for?"

The son says " $1,000."

The father says, " That' s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I' m going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, " Dark in here."

The priest says, " Don' t start that shit again."

eynngggg :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to
her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells
nice. After a week of this, she can' t stand it any longer, and goes to
HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker
does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.
The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, " What' s sexually
threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice" ?
" It' s Keith, the dwarf.

uh uh... wrong hair :oops: :oops: :oops: :oops:

[superduper]

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist
for some arsenic.

" Ma' am, what do you want with arsenic?"
" To kill my husband."

" I can' t sell you arsenic to kill a person!"

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a
compromising position. The man is her husband and the
woman is the pharmacist' s wife.

The pharmacist takes the photo and nods.
" I didn' t realise you had a prescription."

toink :lol:

[superduper]

A guy' s walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up. A genie pops out and says, " Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness, I will grant you one wish." The guy says, " I' ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can' t because I' m too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii." The genie says, " I' m sorry, but I don' t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved... think of the huge pilings we' d need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it' s such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask." The guy says, " Well, there is one other thing I' ve always wanted. I' d like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they' re so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with... you know, what makes them tick?" The genie thinks a second, and says, " Would that road be two lanes or four?"

hmmmnnn...easier :lol:

[superduper]

DINNER CONVERSATION THAT WENT WRONG

WIFE: " If I died first, would you remarry?"
HUSBAND: " Definitely not!"

WIFE: " Why not - don' t you like being married?"
HUSBAND: " Of course I do."

WIFE: " Then why wouldn' t you remarry?"
HUSBAND: " Okay, I' d get married again."

WIFE: " You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).

WIFE: " Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: " Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: " Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: " That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: " Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: " No, she' s left-handed."

WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: " S..t."

:lol: buking :lol:

[superduper]

In a Non-smoking Area:
" If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

[superduper]

The Clever Lawyer

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

" My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

" Well put," the judge replied. " Using your logic, I sentence the defendant' s arm to one year' s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer' s assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

hmmmnnn smart lawyer :lol:

[superduper]

A police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asked. The man responded, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk." This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked, "Are we over the border yet?"

sus apo! :lol:

[superduper]

Nervous Taxi Driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger, apologized to the driver, and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab; I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

ay...kaya pala :lol:

[superduper]

A guy walks into a bar..... Toinnnnnnggggg. an iron Bar!!!!!!


atsetse :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Ate Glue opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that she had died. She quickly phoned her best friend Fiddle.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Ate Glue. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Fiddle. "Where are ye callin' from?"

toink :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did
not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what
a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.

The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the
letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out
and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled
that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In
his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.

As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene.
He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary,
grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There
he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see
your mother again..."

ngek...istatu :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells
him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some
people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and
some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.
Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory
of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with
just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps.
"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.
How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

toink :lol:

[superduper]

A married couple driving home see a wounded skunk by the side of the road.
The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
WIFE "It's shivering, it must be cold, what should I do "?
HUSBAND "put it between your legs to keep it warm"
WIFE "what about the smell"?
HUSBAND "Oh Yeah, you better hold it's nose" !!!

ngek :lol:

[superduper]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

haha :lol:

[superduper]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
"Prease sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so solly," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck."

quack :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Christmas story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting, to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,
I am a 93 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100.00 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all of the other workers. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96.00, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady, to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Sincerely,
Edna


hihihi sori po :lol:

[superduper]

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweetie!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

ngrrrr :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it
onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up..."

ouch... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

"WEEWEECHU?"


One beautiful December evening , Pedro and his girlfriend , Rosita , were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon , " said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you, and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.

" Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas ? and a Happy New Year."

ayayku :lol:

[superduper]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary office. As she lay her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said,
"I'm so sorry; Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead", he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few
moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs,
put his front paws on the examination table, sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, returning a few moments later with
a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and delicately sniffed the
bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly,

and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck".

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been $20".

"But, with the lab report was $40 and the cat scan was $110".

funny anyhow :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A man of slight build entered a bar. "Excuse me," he said, "Does someone here have a Rottweiler waiting outside?"

"Yeah, I do." A big guy spoke up. "Some kind of problem?"

"Well," the short one said, "I'm afraid my Chihuahua has killed your Rottweiler."

"What are you, some of kind of nut?" he roared. "My dog is a killer. He could eat your dog."

"I'm afraid that's what happened, then. Your dog choked to death on mine."

oic :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed. "Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want for you to take my chrome plated Smith & Wesson .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead. "

"You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino."

"Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man. What do you do than? Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?"

hehehe...good boy :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A PSYCHIATRIST was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he said. To the first mother, Mary, he said:
"You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann:
"Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third Mom, Joyce:
"Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy
by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

hahehihohu... :lol:

[superduper]

A man died and went to heaven. Standing at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter and asked him what they were. "These are lie clocks," said St Peter. "Everyone has one. Every time you lie the hands on the clock move a little." "Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Theresa's clock," said St Peter. "The hands have never moved because she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "So where's Ate Glue's clock?" "Jesus has that in his office," said St Peter, "using it as a ceiling fan."

harharhar :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me a condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move !

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"


hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: the funniest so far

[superduper]

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of
the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as
far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.
Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on
his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man was standing there.
"My name's Lars, I'm your neighbour from forty miles up the road. I'm
having a Christmas party on Friday night, thought you might like to come."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna
be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be there, thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea, "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.

"By the way, what should I wear?"







"Don't much matter ..... just gonna be the two of us."

awks :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005 when...




1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you
turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.






14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list








15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.








AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.



:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer
tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss
the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer
behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer,
looks at it and exclaims, "Damn, some as-----le has my pen!"

aysus :lol:

[superduper]

Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself. "Holy
Mother of God!", exclaimed the Mother Superior. "Sister! Show him your cross!"
So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts "F--k Off!"

mariahosep! :)

[superduper]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard
walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you
doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the
little lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a
few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going
to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the little
lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "whats
the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that
he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too
stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "hey you!"


The Monkey looks down and says "put..s dude!.......how much water
did you drink?!!"
hahaha ----aysus kala nya inom na lahat tubig sa ilog :lol: nagtrip :hb:

[superduper]

A farmer buys a young rooster to replace his aging one. As soon as the young rooster is set free he struts right up to the old rooster and says "Lets get things straight right now old timer. All the young hens are mine. You can have the old ones, but keep off the young ones."

The old rooster replies, "Now wait a minute. If you want to divide the hens between us, fine. But lets have a race to see who gets their pick." The young rooster laughs. "OK. But you dont have a chance against me grandpa."

"Well maybe your right", says the old rooster, "You must be real fast, so why dont you give me just a 2 second head start on account of my old age?" The young rooster agrees.

The old chicken takes off, and the young rooster follows after 2 seconds. Suddenly BAM the farmer shoots the young rooster dead and says "Damn! Thats the third gay rooster in a row!"

ahaha! :lol: :lol: :lol: galing mo a

[superduper]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

asus! :lol:

[superduper]

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week."The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you and do *Anything* you want."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it?I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do *Anything* you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer.I don't have time for girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."


waaaaaaaaaaaaa :cry:

[superduper]

ngongo

dumating c ngongo sa bahay at tinakpan ang eyes ni misis....
Ngongo: "nges hu?"....
MRS: gago!!!! pa-nges hu nges hu ka pa jan....e ikaw lng ngongo d2!!!!

:lol:

[superduper]

MGA t.a.n.g.a.n.g. SUPER HEROES (joke lang po :lol: )

1.)Q:Bakit tanga Si Superman?
A:Kasi inuna niyang sinuot ang pantalon bago yung brief.

2.)Q:Bakit tanga Si Batman?
A:Kasi inuna niyang sinuot yung pantalon bago yung brief,tapos nag boots at sinturon pa.

3.)Q:Bakit mas tanga si Robin kay Batman?
A:Kasi lahat ng ginagawa ni Batman,ginagaya niya.

4.)Q:Bakit pinakatanga si Spiderman?
A:Kasi naglagay siya ng brief sa ulo.

5.)Q:Bakit tanga si Wonder Woman?
A:Kasi naglagay siya ng sinturon sa ulo.

[superduper]

Paano mo malalaman kung nasaang bansa ka na

May isang overseas contract worker ang nakasakay sa eroplano at tinanong niya sa katabi kung paano niya malalaman kung nasaang bansa na sila.

Sabi ng katabi niya:
pag nagyelo na ang relos mo nasa alaska ka na,
pag mainit na ang relos mo nasa africa ka na
pag naglangis ang relos mo nasa saudi ka na,
pag nawala ang relos mo nasa Pilipinas ka na!!!!

eyngggg :lol:

[superduper]

Buti pa...

Buti pa ang Paranaque...............may BF
Buti pa ang farm....................may chicks
Buti pa ang halaman.................may nag-aalaga
Buti pa ang bulaklak................blooming
Buti pa ang candy...................sweet
Buti pa ang gulaman.................may sago
Buti pa ang manok..................nakatali
Buti pa ang mangga..................matamis ang pisngi
Buti pa ang bees....................may honey
Buti pa ang tennis..................may love
Buti pa ang stuffed toy.............hinahalikan
Buti pa ang papel...................sinusulatan
Buti pa ang report..................may objective
Buti pa ang Geometry................may triangle
Buti pa ang Chemistry...............may lab
Buti pa ang mapa....................sinusundan
Buti pa ang nitso...................may bulaklak
Buti pa ang patay...................may dumadalaw
Buti pa ang prisoner................binabantayan
Buti pa ang jaywalker...............pinipituhan
Buti pa ang pinto...................binubuksan
Buti pa ang big bike................humahataw
Buti pa ang alphabet................may U and I
Buti pa ang poste..................steady
Buti pa ang radio...................pinakikinggan
Buti pa ang rosary..................may mystery
Buti pa ang Three Kings.............may regalo
Buti pa ang misa....................serious
Buti pa ang novena..................constant
Buti pa ang pari....................committed
Buti pa ang soccer..................may goal
Buti pa ang basketball..............may ring
Buti pa ang Disneyland..............may Mickey
Buti pa si Mickey...................may Minnie
Buti pa si Michael Jackson..........may moves
Buti pa si Camilla Parker Bowles....may pag-asa
Buti pa ang kalendaryo...........may date
Buti pa ang hersheys.............may kisses
Buti pa ang probability.............may chance
Buti pa ang telepono.............hini-hello
Buti pa ang film.............nade-develop
Buti pa ang typewriter.............nata-type pan
Buti pa ang exams.............sinasagot
Buti pa ang problema.............iniisip
Buti pa ang assignment.............inuuwi
Buti pa ang panyo.............nadadalantay sa pisngi
Buti pa ang baso.............dinadampian ng labi
Buti pa ang unan.............inaakap sa gabi
Buti pa ang kamalian.............napapansin
Buti pa ang salamin.............minamasdan
Buti pa ang hininga.............hinahabol
Buti pa ang tindera.............nagpapatawad
Buti pa ang awit at tugtog.............pinagsasama
Buti pa ang sugat.............inaalagaan
Buti pa ang lungs............malapit sa puso
Buti pa ang bra.............kakabit ng dibdib
Buti pa ang kotse.............mahal
Buti pa ang pera.............iniingatan
Buti pa ang mahjong.............sinasalat
Buti pa ang damo.............dinidiligan
Buti pa...magtrabaho ka na at baka...masisante ka pa!!!
:wink:

[superduper]

Old Chinese in Death Bed

"Akyen junior 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"
"Akyen panganay 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"
"Akyen daughter 'ndyan ba?" "Dito po!"
"Akyen asawa 'ndyan ba?" "Dito din po!"
"Walahiya! Dito kayo lahat! Wala tao tindahan!"

:D :D :D

[superduper]

The Gorilla

Times were tough so when a job came up at the zoo Jon was the first one there. On arrival he was told that the gorilla had just died and he was to wear a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.
Jon loved his job - eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining visitors, lying about in the sun.... Then one day he swung a bit too far and ended up in the lion enclosure. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely and he ran to the fence and screamed for help.
Then as he turned back to face the lions, one said, "If you don't stop screaming and shouting we'll all lose our bloody jobs!"

toink :D

now go back to your cage :roll:

[superduper]

Flowers

A business was moving into bigger quarters and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'

palusot :D

[superduper]

10 Ways To Know If U're A Computer Buff

1. You think of Windows 95/98 when you see a cloudy sky.
2. Gazing down from an airplane, you think the earth looks very much like the motherboard.
3. You think of sleep as 'shut down' to your mind.
4. You are a good netizen: well versed with netiquette.
5. You think of the restroom as a place for your 'downloads'.
6. You wish there were more flexible 'undos' in your life.
7. Things like your pencils, pen, lead, erasers, and batteries for your TV remote control now last for months.
8. You'd rather watch VCDs and listen to mp3s using the computer.
9. You get depressed when your computer 'breaks down'.


and the Number 1 Sign .....


10. You're reading THIS, aren't you?

:lol:

[japa]

Bakit laging intsek ang kinikidnap?
dahil kung pilipino "hulugan"
kung Bombay naman "5/6"
kung amerikano "credit card"
eh kung Intsek ay "COD"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

sa hell

man 1:pare ano kinamatay mo?
man 2:atake, nahuli ko si misis nangaliwa,nakatalon sa bintana yung kabit. kaw pano ka namatay?
man 1:tumalon ako sa bintana nyo,mataas pala!

:lol: :lol:
:lol:

[touchstone]

GALILEO:
Great Mind

ENSTEIN:
Genius Mind

NEWTON:
Extraordinary Mind

BILL GATES:
Brilliant Mind

TOUCHSTONE:
Mastermind

YOU:
Nevermind
:hb: joke/joke/joke lang PEACE apo!

[gemi]

"My dog's got no nose."
"Poor thing! How does he smell?"
"Terrible!"


. . .


Fred: "Are you trying to make a fool out of me?"
Jack: "Oh no, I never interfere with nature."


. . .


"Have you got any invisible ink?"
"Certainly sir. What color?"


. . .


What do you do with a sick wasp?
Take it to the waspital.


. . .


There was a young man from Quebec
Who wrapped both his legs 'round his neck!
But then he forgot
How to undo the knot
And now he's an absolute wreck!

[superduper]

great...thanks for your contributions.... ala pay apo...naimas ti agkatawa no agkutkutimermer tayo ti lamiis na :lol: :lol:


Hi Ho Tonto Away!

An attractive woman was driving through a remote part of Marcos Town when her car broke down. An Igor on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Igor would let out a "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Y-e-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Igor so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Igors don't use saddles!"

awks.... ano? pala yun..... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[touchstone]

http://img430.imageshack.us/img430/866/grpjokevirtual0qn.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[touchstone]

On a family vacation one summer, we crossed Wyoming and noted several historical points of interest. The children were especially interested because they enjoyed the computer game "Oregon Trail," which gives players a taste of the hardships the pioneers endured. We stopped at the famous South Pass to look at the wagon tracks still visible in the dirt. Squinting out over the desolate, wind-swept landscape, my daughter nodded and said grimly, "This is where my oxen always die."

? Joke contributed by Quin Gilbert

[touchstone]

My husband, Mark, was planning to attend a conference and was looking at airline schedules on the Internet. As he checked different combinations of flights, he mistakenly keyed in a return time that was before the departure time, only to see this message appear on the computer screen: "Sorry, time travel is not permitted."

? Joke contributed by Lynne Rief

[touchstone]

http://img430.imageshack.us/img430/866/grpjokevirtual0qn.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[superduper]

SON: I saved 3 pesos.
FATHER : How?
SON : Di ako sakay jeep. Sabay na lang ako takbo nya.
FATHER : Bobo! Sana taxi sinabayan mo para mas malaki na save mo!
:lol:

[superduper]

MARE: Tulungan mo naman ako, ang inaanak mo nalulon ang susi ng bahay ko!

PARE : Para yun lang natataranta ka na? Eh, `di gamitin mo yung duplicate

:hb:

[superduper]

JUAN: Aba ang dami mong biniling newspaper ah...

JOSE : Oo, kasi nabalitaan ko, tataas daw presyo ng newspaper bukas...

:lol:

[superduper]

MRS : Darleng,manganganak na ako.

MR : Sige,dadalhin na kita sa Pizza Hut,

MRS: Bakit sa Pizza Hut?

MR: Kasi duon me free delivery!

:wink:

[superduper]

DOKTOR: Sige, inumin mo itong gamot, tatlong kutsara bago matulog.

PATIENT: Eh, doc dalawa lang po ang kutsara ko sa bahay.
:lol:

[superduper]

MAID: Ma'am, gising na po kayo...

MA'AM: Sarap ng tulog ko eh... bakit ba?

MAID: Oras na po ng pag inom nyo ng sleeping pills...

[superduper]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."
"What? "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance.
Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY.
Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank
you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to
spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"
:lol:

[superduper]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[MHTS]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...

Nice laugh though...

[linda]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...

Nice laugh though...

999 is hongkong its like the 911 here in the US......
nice joke superduper....keep us laughing.....

[superduper]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...



Nice laugh though...


*999 -hong kong emergency number apo
:wink:

[MHTS]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...



Nice laugh though...


*999 -hong kong emergency number apo
:wink:

OIC, kasta gayam. Ania gayam diay Pilipinas? 999 kadi met?

[Myrna]

On a recent trip to Washington D.C. my family sat in the gallery balcony of the U.S. House of Representatives to watch a vote that was in progress. From her spot high above all the action, my four year old niece Kayla asked, "Is this a ball game or a circus?".

[touchstone]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...



Nice laugh though...


*999 -hong kong emergency number apo
:wink:

OIC, kasta gayam. Ania gayam diay Pilipinas? 999 kadi met?

no ti yan mo ket dita states you dial 911 ngem adad toy ka Pinas dial 119 :lol: :wink:

[Myrna]

Should kids witness a birth?

A true story:

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child was home alone with her 3-year old daughter Katelyn. When Heidi started going into labour, she called "999." Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Katelyn quickly
responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Smack him again!"
:lol: :lol: :lol:

"999" - this must be from a European place, like Scotland or England...

In the US, we use "911"...



Nice laugh though...


*999 -hong kong emergency number apo
:wink:

OIC, kasta gayam. Ania gayam diay Pilipinas? 999 kadi met?

ading diay man ayan mi diay Banna ket awan emergency number.....no adda emergency ket tay tambor ti tugtugenda.....ket no sinno ti adda luganna a ket isu ti mangitaray diay pasyente diay Hospital...ka-asidegan ket diat Marcos Hospital diay Marcos Town.

[gemi]

A small boy came into the confessional and told the priest that he had thrown peanuts into the river. The priest thought this was strange little sin to confess to, but said nothing. The next small boy also confessed to throwing peanuts in the river, and the next. Finally a very small boy came in, so the priest said, "did you throw peanuts in the river?" "No, Father," said the kiddie, "I am Peanuts."

[superduper]

Headlines bukas, ngayon ang broadcast:

Tahanang Walang Hagdan, inakyat!
Isang bakla, ginahasa? tuwang-tuwa!
Unanong madre, napagkamalang penguin!
Bulag, nakapatay? nagdilim ang paningin

[superduper]

Nilusob ng NBI ang isang pagawaan ng siopao?

NBI Agent: Napag-alaman namin na karne ng pusa ang palaman ng mga siopao ninyo.
Pedro: Hindi totoo ang nabalitaan n?yo!
NBI Agent: Eh ano ang mga karneng ?yan?
Pedro: Ahh? ehh? karne ng daga

toink :lol:

[superduper]

Inday: Ma?am, pinagsamantalahan po ako ng kawatan kagabi!

Ma?am: Bakit hindi ka sumigaw?

Inday: Akala ko kasi, si sir? Pero nu?ng naka-2 rounds siya, nagduda na po ako

ngrrrr :lol:

[superduper]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them
to their separate hotel rooms, the first dwarf, however, is unable to get
an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next
room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come
again ... ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the bed.."
:lol:

[superduper]

Ang tunay na kagandahan ay hindi nakikita sa pisikal na anyo ng isang tao kundi nasa PUSO...
?Yan ang paniwala nilang mga panget! Tayo, quiet lang... :wink: :wink: :wink:

[superduper]

A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling "Mush! Mush!"

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time -- "Mush! Mush!"

Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp!"

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"

ngek :lol: :lol: :lol: where's the igloo? :lol:

[superduper]

Healthy Lifestyle

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six," he said.

:cry:

[superduper]

Tanong: Alin ang mas mabigat, ari ng tao o ari ng kabayo?
Sagot: Sa tao, kasi pag umihi hinahawakan pa. Sa kabayo hindi na.

Holdaper: Bigay agad pera!
Intsik: Ala ko pela!
Holaper: Kung ganon dalhin ko asawa mo.
Intsik: Lintik buhay 'to bakit ngayon lang ikaw dating?!

Mainit ba ang ulo mo? Palaging nakasimangkot? Pabulong-bulong habang
nag t-text o sumulat ng email? Pacheck-up ka na, SARS na yan!

Severe
Absence of
Sex and
Romance

:-)

[superduper]

Spectacular Job

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife."

:lol:

[superduper]

Cheap Mistress

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

eynggggg :)

[superduper]

Fast Escape Excuse

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

apir! :hb:

[superduper]

Religious Golf Battle

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

sus apo :lol:

[superduper]

Wedding Traditions

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

:D :D :D explain that

[superduper]

Lost Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Lynn is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions."

atsetse :oops: :D

[superduper]

Barbecue?

As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

you come for the bbq eh :lol:

[superduper]

New Toy

Bill had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

uh-uh :lol:

[superduper]

Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"



:lol: you want a hummer with that? :lol:

[auree]

Daytoy man nga estorya ket imabaga tay kabsat ko, nabasa na kano tay Filipino newspaper idiay Las Vegas.....


Da kano Erap, Cory ken Gloria ket limmubog kano diay naglugananda nga barko, then is isuda kano laengen ti nakalasat. Na stranded da kano iti maysa nga Island. Idi kuan adda nakita ni Erap nga lampara, nirub nga daydiay lampara ket nagasuk adda rimmuar nga genie. Kuna diay genie" adda tallo nga wish yo, saggaysa kayo ti wish. Ana ti wish mo Erap, kunana...Kayatko ti agsubli idiay Pilipinas. Agpapada da ti wish, ket kuna diay genie, tapno matungpal ti wish yo. Inkayo mangala ti saggaysa kayo nga prutas. So napanda ah, nagsapul ti prutas. Ti immuna nga dimmateng ni Cory ti dala na ket bayabas, ket kuna diay genie...ipasok mo sa puwit mo. Kuna ni Cory, bakit po? gusto mo bang matupad ang wish mo, kuna diay genie. Opo...kuna ni Cory, so impasok na diay bayabas diay kimmutna, idi naipasok na aminen ,biglang nagpukaw ni Cory. Idi kuan ni met Erap ti simmaruno, ti dala na mangga. Ket kuna manen diay genie....Erap kung gusto mong matupad ang wish mo, ipasok yan sa puwit mo!!!! agreklamo koma ah! ngem talaga nga kayat na ti agawid Pilipinasen. So, inin inut na nga impasok, nge idi dandani na maipasok aminen bigla nga nagkatawa...Ket ana pay ngarud di rimmuar diay mangga. Itan makapungtot diay genie'n. Gapu ti pungtot na, pinatay na ni Erap. Gapu ta natayen ni Erap tay spiritna ket addan idiay ayan ni San Pedro. Ket kuna ni San Pedro, apay ngamin nga nagkatawa ka? Saan ka koma pay la natnatay no dimo napaunget ni genie? Kasano ngamin nga diak makakatawa San Pedro, ket nakitak ni Gloria nga nakabitbit ti maysa bigkis nga anangka ha ha ha ha ha ha :lol: :lol: :lol:


Get It?.......

[superduper]

Lumindol ng malakas noon...

Nagkagulo ang lahat at nagpanic!

Sumigaw ang isang lalaki... "Katapusan na! Katapusan na!"

Sumagot ang isa pang lalaki... "Tanga! Akinse pa lang!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Pari: Ang gustong magbigay ng donasyon sa simbahan, TUMAYO pagtugtog ng organ. Sige iho, tugtog na.

Organista: Ano po ang tutugtugin?

Pari: Pambansang awit, iho.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Mag-asawa having sex...

HUSBAND: Honey, mag dirty talk ka naman para ganahan ako!

WIFE: Ahhh...Shit! Basuraaa... Kanal... Taeee...Oooh... Patay na dagaaaa!

igssss :lol: :lol: :lol: :oops: :oops: :oops:

[superduper]

After having sex, panay pa rin ang hawak ng girl sa ari ng boy.

Boy: Gusto mo pa uli?

Girl: Hindi, namimiss ko lang... Meron kase ako nito dati eh.

toinks :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Good shooter

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too ... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me!"

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ... of ...!!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith faintly. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling; I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod???!!"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long... Madam? Madam? ... Good Lord, she's fainted!

:oops: :oops:

[superduper]

Mindwork

The message below looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy. It deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plcae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh??

:wink:

[japa]

INTERESTING

[superduper]

Diet Rules for Cheaters

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

[superduper]

I just had a dream about it ..."

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[superduper]

Crowded Store

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line...

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

eyngggggg :lol:

[superduper]

Girlfriend 1.0

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-night 10.3 and Beer-bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Dear Sir,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance.

ohhhh.... i like that :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Pet Names

A burglar breaks into a house one night. While shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he hears a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.

He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he shinned his light all around the room, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"

The parrot said, "I'm just trying to warn you, that's all."

The burglar asked, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"

"Moses."

"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

hehe..lagot :lol:

[superduper]

My Business

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the Tax Bureau, getting people to cough it up is my business."

nyek :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

CENSUS: Mrs. ilan ba and anak nyo?
MRS: 14 po!
CENSUS: Ang dami naman! Hindi ba kayo gumamit ng pills,
condom, withdrawal o kaya rhythm?
MRS: Naku, hindi po! Bird lang po ng mister ko talaga!

hihihi...wala bang hawla>? :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Juan : Alam mo, pagnakakakita ako ng mga bituin, naaalala
ko ang mga pulitiko natin.
Pedro: Eh, bakit? Dahil sa bright sila?
Juan : Hindi, dahil sa sila ay KU-CORRUPT-CORRUPT!

:oops: kaya pala di pa ako masyadong nakakakita ng bituin sa hong kong..... :wink: :wink: :wink:

[superduper]

SHORT STORY
A chinese couple was about to have their first baby. When the baby was born, the eyes were big, the hairs are curly and the skin was brown. So the chinese father named the baby - "SAM TING WONG

....something wrong? :oops: :oops: :oops:

[superduper]

Q : Bakit daw mas mabilis pumuti and buhok sa itaas kesa
ibaba?
A : Eh kasi, and buhok sa itaas , puro problema pero ang
buhok sa ibaba, puro............LIGAYA!


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

[superduper]

MRS: Wala daw sa itsura ko ang edad ko. Ano sa tingin mo ang age ko?
MR : kung titignan kita sa buhok 18 ka lang; kung nakatalikod 16 ka lang; kung sa kutis 22 ka lang. Bale ang total ay 56 sweetheart.

ngrrrrrrrrr :lol:

[superduper]

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b_tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b_tch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b_tch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four,"

:D eh kasi bata :wink: :wink:

[MHTS]

Mindwork

The message below looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy. It deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit plcae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh??

:wink:

Yes, amazing!

[superduper]

Little Johnny's Most Wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny then asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"


....bait pa sya noon.... :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Little Johnny's Equine Education

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father, watching as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Looking worried, Johnny said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom!"


ayayay.... :D

[superduper]

Pinoy Jokes!

Txt jks

Sbi ni amo.

2day we eat outside

u alone, u eat urself

& 2moro we have

visitors. U cook 5 persons.

San kaya ako kukuha ng

5 tao na k2tayin ko?

May alam ka ba?
:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Wen ur in dipest

trial & alone

go, wok on the road

frendz myt not

b der 4u but im

sure asu go on

ul mit a person u

dnt expect n will ask u;

"balut, sir, bili k?"

8)

[superduper]

Wife: Gusto kong magpadagdag ng boobs.

Husband: Ha! Di ba masagwa yon... magiging tatlo!

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Wen u fil deprsd & lonely

Cheer up!

Go 2 d mirror

& say?

grabe! Cute ko tlaga!

Finaly u will overcom

All ur sadness

Bt don't make it

a habit coz?

liars go to HELL!

:lol:

[superduper]

May ipahhawak ako syo?

Matigas?

Mahaba?

Titirik ang mata mo?

Manginginig ka?

Eto?Live wire.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Kinds of coup

Type ng mga bading - DaCOUPta

Ayaw ng mga bading - COUPpal

Favorite singer ni Trillianes - COUP Ledesma

Bahay ng mga mahihirap - Bahay COUPbo

Bago magkidlat - COUPlog

Pantakip - COUPver

Sa subtraction - KinuCOUPlang

Sa mga unfaithful husbands - COUPmakaliwa

White spots sa mukha - COUPlugo

Sakit sa mata - COUPliti

Favorite type of music ng mga taga-militar aCOUPstics

:wink:

[superduper]

Take Home

May dalawang magkumpare ang naghuhuntahan.

Man 1: Pare asar ako sa misis ko

Man 2: Bakit naman?

Man 1: Pa'no ayaw niya na dinadala ko ang trabaho ko sa bahay para doon ko tapusin

Man 2: Tapos?

Man 1: Syempre mas mabuti na lang na sa bahay na lang ako nag-oovertime kaysa nasa labas ako. Baka mag good time pa ako nyan.

Man 2: Ano bang trabaho mo?

Man 1: Embalsamador

yaikkksss :lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored Part 1

1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Fire! in housewares, "and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
:)

[superduper]

Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored Part 2

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera. Use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

:D :D

[superduper]

Things To Do At Wal-Mart When You're Bored Part 3

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14 When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while. Then, yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

[superduper]

The Priest and the Bum

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a subway one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick, and he had a half empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later he asked the priest, "Father what causes arthritis"?

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man."

"Geez, I'll be darned," uttered the drunk and returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said turned to the man and apologized.

"I'm sorry son, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't, father. I was just reading in the paper that the Pope has arthritis.. "

awks :hb: